  How about that,  eh?  Howdy Kids.  I’ d like to start of by giving a warm and heartfelt “ bah humbug”
 to all you Christmas junkies.  Happy Spending!  I know it’ s May but it’ s never too late to share the hate.  .
 .  or is it too early.  .  [ blink,  blink]
 .  Secondly,  I,  like to welcome you all to the second installment of Vituperation and Me .  . a series in which I plan to express my loathing for those who have worked so very hard at proving themselves worthy of my wrath;
 Gypsies,  A& F employees,  anyone who dresses as Santa for a living,  Baby Jesus,  handicapped children,
 Bob Ross ( get out of my head!  the blind and,  of course,  television,  will all have a chance to stand before me to be judged.
 Rest assured that they will all be found guilty of stopping up the bowels of life with all their nonsense.  Once again I’ d like to remind you all that a search for logic or reason amidst the ranting will do you no good.  I can assure you,  here and now,  that you will find very little if any in what is written here.
 I do,  however,  promise to swear profusely and to encourage laughter at the expense of those that are infirmed and or otherwise beneath me.  First up was Gary Busey .  Feel free to urlLink go back to that essay and catch up if you must.  Now,
 however,  it is time to move on to the next whore of life.  Stephen Hillenburg .  May his children know always the deep love of a stranger from behind.  Bio,  crime,
 sentence of:  Stephen Hillenburg -  Creator of Sponge Bob Square Pants Bio It was an unusually warm and homoerotic August afternoon in 1961.  Big’ ol Blue Hillenburg ( or "
The guy who is totally not fucking queer"  as he is known to his friends.  " that guy"  for short)  wiped his sweaty heterosexual brow with the back of a calloused hand and stared into an Oklahoma sky shimmering with hectic heat.
 The town of Fort Sill had another son on the way and That Guy was nervous.  Mind you his wife,  Ima Scainkass- Hillenburg,  was doing fine.  physically that is.
 That Guy wasn’ t concerned about that for now.  His wife,  however,  had been feeling strange for the past 3 months of her pregnancy.  "
Satan’ s inside me!  and " I’ m a goddamn nightmare bitch!  and still "
I’ m the butt- fucking sponge that's here for your soul -  Fist me!  -  Fist me now you sonofabitch!
 were common exclamations heard from her in the middle of the night while she slept.  It wasn't long until her swollen belly brought forth a frothy and eager- cheeked baby boy.  Spewing him from her loins onto the sun- warmed wooden kitchen floor,  she sighed and dabbed a napkin at the meeting of her thighs.
 " It is finished"  she groaned,  and collapsed with a sick thud.  Upon hearing the tell- tale plop that herald the birth of his son,
 That Guy bolted in from the thirsty fields and squinted down at the mass of blood and flesh that was his.  son?  Shrugging,  he mumbled something along the lines of " probably queer"  and demanded sustenance from his recently unburdened wife.
 Growing up,  young Hillenburg fell under the accusatory stare of his ill- tempered and oft abusive father -  a father who’ s only words to his soon were " queer"
 and " I should have made her swallow"  Hillenburg's mother would only lay one arthritic index finger over another whenever he was foolish enough to come into her presence.  She wanted nothing to do with the " demon boy"  His only consolation during these troubling years were the solitary hours he spent scrubbing at the deep maroon stain his blue-
white babe body ( and subsequent fetus)  had left on the kitchen floor.  It was a stain that would never come out.  Yet,  at his father's insistence,
 he scrubbed away at the only mark he had ever left on the world.  Nuzzling the sponge he'd come to love,  he often dreamed of the day when he would be free to do as he wished;  see the ocean,  stay up past midnight,  and maybe even get a job as a go-
go dancer at Nipsy’ s -  Fort Sill Oklahoma's only gay night club.  Years passed and time brought Hillenburg an art teacher -  Ms.  Arva Sedinbaum.
 "  It was a mistake "  she recounted in a 1999 interview with the Boston Globe.  "  How could I have known what would come of those lessons ?  Young Hillenburg quickly developed a passion for the arts and excelled in his studies at Paul Lester High School.
 His quirky demeanor and wildly unique style soon drew attention from New York and Los Angles art colleges.  Hillenburg was a hot item -  particularly with his character " Rocko"  A hard- luck everyman wallaby.
 It seemed that his dreams of freedom were finally coming true.  Soon after college,  Hillenburg's character Rocko was greenlighted for it’ s own series -  Rocko's Modern Life .  It was here that Hillenburg would truly shine.
 It was also here that the first of many downward spirals began.  Fame proved to be too much for Hillenburg and during the 3rd season of Rocko's Modern Life,  he began experimenting with drugs.  Whores and coke binges were the dominating factors in his life and with good reason -  Hedonism suited him.  "
I've got more cooch than an abortion clinic"  as he was often quoted saying proved to be true.  But it was not to last.  A fateful evening in Chicago’ s Coco- Bongo brought Hillenburg and LSD together for the first time.
 It was on this same night that he met the first of many of his secret lovers -  Patrick Lindt.  "  I thought he was weird but I mean.  we all were -  I mean.
 [ snort]  that's just how things were.  But the sponge?  That fucked with me "  Lindt bleated in a 2001 interview with the New York Times.
 Hillenburg has carried his childhood friend on all of his life's adventures.  It was his totem -  a super absorbent guru.  And it was this very sponge that gave birth to his faggity future.  So strange,  so unique,
 so.  disgustingly annoying and just downright fucked up.  uh.  I mean spongy ( read:  catcher)
 SpongeBob was born during Hillenburg's two and a half year LSD/ Special- K binge.  And just who is this SpongeBob?  [ ahem]
 Deep down in the Pacific Ocean in the subterranean city of Bikini Bottom ( read:  homosexual paradise)  lives a square yellow sea sponge named SpongeBob SquarePants.  SpongeBob lives in a pineapple ( read:
 phallus)  with his pet snail ( ditto)  Gary,  loves his job as a fry cook at the Krusty Krab ( read:
 vagina is evil)  and has a knack for getting into all kinds of trouble without really trying ( read:  caught giving bj's at truck stops)  When he's not getting on the nerves of his cranky next door neighbor Squidward -  (
who himself is a homoerotica goldmine)  SpongeBob can usually be found smack in the middle ( read:  three- way)  of all sorts of strange situations (
read:  S& M/ bondage fantasies)  with his best buddy ( read:
 lover)  the simple yet lovable starfish ( a creature composed entirely of phalluses)  ,  Patrick,  or his thrill-
seeking surfer- girl squirrel pal ( token gal pal who is 'totally not a lesbian')  Sandy Cheeks ( read:  carpet muncher)
 Stephen Hillenburg finally gave in to the whims of his psychotropic inductions and breathed life into this.  fuckwad sponge.  ( remember -  this is the same guy that brought us the totally un- faggy urlLink Rocko’
s Modern Life Crime This is the ex- biologist who created the " legend"  ( read:  ubiquitous nightmare)
 SpongeBob started out as a sketch of a square sponge.  Now SpongeBob is a cultural icon ( read:  flaming homosexual)  and so is his creator ( ditto)
 This is the bitch that ruined Nickelodeon ( with the exception of Nick at Night -  God Bless you,  Family Ties reruns)  Clearly,  he is the devil.
 . I said clearly,  bitch!  [ five across the eyes!  Need more proof of his evil?
 urlLink Listen to the Baptists .  There you go.  if Baptists believe then it must be.  I mean it's.  it’ s gotta be.
 ok -  so fuck them Baptists but,  trust me,  this fucker done did wrong.  Sentence Kids.  I'm at a loss here -
 really.  I mean what can you do to repay the man who gave birth to the embodiment of evil?  What would be appropriate compensation for foisting SpoogeBub SquealPants upon us?  I mean.  damn.  for the first time,
 I truly have no words .  [ making note]  [ collecting debts]  Help me out here,
 my fellow uterine evictees.  Use the message boards.  That's why they're there.  Tell me,  children.  What must I do?
 Help me find an appropriate punishment for this bitch.  - Dexter Otis Green 
