  OK, so the last few days, everything in my mind has just exploded. I officially broke up with Siki... it just wasn't going to work in the long run, even though the short run would've been so wonderful.
Yesterday and today, I've been thinking about Artis a lot again... I don't know why, because I got over him a long time ago, but I guess it's just because my brain is rather imbalanced.
I haven't taken my bipolar medication in about six months and I started back on it Monday. Obviously it's causing some small problems, but I probably just need to adjust to it. I've also realized that all this time, I've had feelings for my friend Steve and have just repressed them. I've never been involved with someone who was already my friend, and by "friend" I mean someone I'm close to, not just an acquaintance.
The problem is that Steve is involved with someone right now. I was hanging out all day yesterday with Steve and never did get the balls to tell him how I felt, but I knew I wouldn't, so I wrote a note the night before and then left the note at Steve's this morning when I left. The weird thing is that later last night, we picked up Steve's bf, Joe, and seeing them hold hands and kiss and stuff... it made me feel something that I almost never feel... jealous.
I was insanely jealous... I didn't even stay this morning... I left before they even woke up because I didn't want to have to see that. Ever since I quit smoking, everything has gone awry... why? I should feel great that I quit, and instead I just feel like shit. I feel more alone than I've felt in a very long time... I just finished sobbing my eyes out over nothing... it's not healthy to cry for no reason. I can't think of anything I can do to take my mind off of everything save for sleeping, and I'm not tired at all. I just feel this overwhelming emotion... just emotion in general... I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm sad... just all of this emotion is welling up inside of me, and I don't know how to get it out.
I don't even fell like working on music, which is what I usually do when I feel like this. It's that bad. I feel helpless to help myself. 
