  OK, so here's what all has been going on. My last post was because I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, mainly Joey and Bryant. I had assumed that my relationship with Joey was over, so I pursued things with Bryant. Then Joey tells me that he doesn't want to bring up and we learn that we are in fact in love with each other. What choice did I have, honestly? "Gee, do I choose the guy who I've fallen in love with or this other guy who I barely know? Hmmm..." So Joey and I ended our little separation. The main reason I'm explaining this is cuz of what just happened. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I'm a very affectionate person. I like hugging, kissing, tickling... physical contact means a lot to me, and I don't mean in a sexual way. Joey has to be one of the least affectionate people I've ever dated. He just stopped by a little while ago, and I knew he couldn't stay for long, but he wouldn't even give me a kiss goodbye. Seriously, we've been dating again for about a month and he wouldn't even give me a kiss goodbye.
It's extremely aggravating, but more than that, it's a problem. It's a problem that somehow needs to be solved, because I can't be in a relationship where I feel like the other person doesn't really want me around. As I've grown up and been in more and more relationships, I've learned that compromise is vital, and I've learned to accept things like when Joey doesn't call or when he says he'll come over and then suddenly plans change. I don't even get all of these crazy ideas any more like he's avoiding me or he's lying and off doing something else. I finally trust him, all because I learned to compromise and accept things. Unfortunately, there are just some things I can't compromise, things that run so deeply in my that they can't be changed. One of those things is my need for affection. I threw my arms around him and tried to give him a hug, and all he could say was that he smelled and didn't feel good.
Yet on the other hand, a few weeks ago my shoulders were covered in extremely painful second-degre burns, and in spite of that I was still willing to give him a big ol' hug. I told him it wouldn't hurt even though I knew it would and did, but I didn't care. Getting a hug was more important than the pain I would have to endure. Does he really think I wouldn't want to hug him just cuz he's been sweating a little? Geez, I mean we all know I'm an asshole like that, right? (that was sarcasm) I really do have strong feelings for Joey... I really do enjoy the time I spend with him, but when a kiss goodbye is too much to ask, there is something seriously wrong. On the work front, I, um... am trying to get myself fired. I think today, being my second no-call/no-show, just may do it.
I know it's a stupid thing to do, but I'm not going to let any person or any company fuck me over like these people are. Even if that means I have to collect unemployment like some lower-class person, I don't give a shit. I'll live on the streets before I let someone tell me that I'm inadequate. Jewel can burn in hell. I've put in applications at 4 different OfficeMax stores as well as at Brenn's work, Telemon. They do tech support for Belkin and a couple other things... trust me, I can handle sitting in a cubicle on the phone all day. It may be a paycut going from my $14 at Jewel to Telemon's $11, but it's worth it just to be rid of the stress. The best part is that there is a good chance I will get a job there, though I'm not going to assume anything... it seems like every time I make an assumption, I just screw things up. Joey, I know you've read my journal before, and you'll probably read this too... just know that I truly do love you, and the only reason I bring things like this up is because I'm trying to make this work.
By going off and saying, "oh god, don't bring this up again," that's almost like telling me you don't care, that you're not willing to help make this work. I can't do this alone. 
