  i think i did ruin my wish. Otherwise reversed it. But with love comes hatred and sorrow. Let me start from the beginning.. I went over to Phil's today. got on his bed, did some stuff.. "stuff" i'll stick to for now.
But what it really consisted of was... kissing, caressing, nudity, blowjobing, and handjobing... alright. so we were doing 'stuff' when his sister came home.. it was pretty hilarious. and i sneaked out the door. But don't you think we went a little far? a little far considering, today was the first time he's ever kissed me. ever done anything further than hugging me and holding my hand.
Perhaps too far? if I could've resisted him... would I be in the dilemma I think I'm in now? So i just spoke to him.. and I asked what our current status was.... Philip says: (6:09:32 PM)    dunno.. Philip says: (6:09:44 PM)    are...we...still....friends? WHOA, I was hoping at least a little more after all that we did this morning.. Philip says: (6:10:29 PM)    i dunno Philip says: (6:10:37 PM)    if i want anything more than friends right now Philip says: (6:10:51 PM)    im sorry.. what did you say?.. Sorry? funny I don't believe it.
no more than friends? of course not, just fuck buddies. karol says: (6:11:07 PM)    oh so all you really wanna do is just fool around with me? Philip says: (6:11:18 PM)    no.... Philip says: (6:12:27 PM)    i dont know carol don't know, eh? that's quite appalling, I was quite sure I had the correct answer. karol says: (6:12:37 PM)    so what Do you want?
Philip says: (6:12:49 PM)    i gues Philip says: (6:12:51 PM)    right now.. Philip says: (6:13:00 PM)    just... to be friends karol says: (6:13:34 PM)    just to be friends adn to fool around whenever you want. Philip says: (6:13:47 PM)    look im sorry sorry again? sure you even feel that way? Philip says: (6:14:04 PM)    maybe it would be better if you didnt come over tomorrow ding ding ding! is this the first thing 'Right' you've said to me today? karol says: (6:14:16 PM)    Yeah.. perhaps Philip says: (6:14:51 PM)    k Glad you don't want me over.
I don't want over anymore. not if all you want is just to fuck with my mind and everything else. karol says: (6:15:11 PM)    i mean it's not like it really matters to you anyway Philip says: (6:15:29 PM)    look carol Philip says: (6:15:36 PM)    im sorry still? and not at all dishonest? Philip says: (6:15:39 PM)    what do you want me to say oh the possibiilties.. what about '*cloying 80s' romantic* oh carol i love you i'm so sorry, won't you forgive me? You know I'm just being a fool.
' or 'sorry I was so decieving, maybe I Shouldn't have led you on so far like that. ' or NOTHING. Philip says: (6:15:43 PM)    and believe me i do care care my ass. but I believe you, I suppose you care. karol says: (6:16:22 PM)    there is nothing to say Philip says: (6:16:45 PM)    ok good. dont wanna hear from you anymore.
not now at least. Getting myself tied up in a knot. I think it is my own fault. I'm just incompetent. Perhaps posting this will only make my situation worse. I don't see what good it will do.
But what good is just deleting this in 3 minutes? I feel so used. Yes I had fun. And some would say that's all that matters. But I feel.. like nothing. like i'm worth nothing.
I'd love to stay friends. but stop deceiving me! I don't want to be friends and a little more knowing that i'm replaceable. Knowing that i'm not near the best, or that i'm just so ordinary, like everyone else disgusts me. I can't live without standing out. I couldn't live without being special.
but what can I say. there is nothing to say. irresistible yet repulsive. 
