  .~*~. Gah....oogy day. It's 4.21am and I promised myself I'd be in bed by 1.... Heff's got a migraine that won't seem to go away. It kinda started after he et the terrible-smelling pot-noodle last night....and he looked like death warmed over this morning (when I surfaced enough to focus).
So I put him back to bed with some of my pills. He woke up at various points; but didn't seem to be getting much better. At midnight, he was still feeling terrible; but I fed him shreddies (a few; under protest) and some more pills, gave him a big cuddle, moved all my stuff into the spare room (with Eoin: o joy), and left him reading Terry Pratchet by the fairy-lights. Yes, we have fairy lights over our bed - what of it?? He's sleeping now. I just hope he's okay tomorrow - he's depressed enough about it today.
I totally failed to make it down to the co-op: started HV in the hall - twice. I think it's because I HAD to go: it was a big deal. I couldn't even go into town coz we have no cash in the house. So I monged about online most of the day - couldn't make any noise, so couldn't do much of any use. I did IM with Lisa for a bit - which was fabulous as I've not chatted to her for so long. She's great: listening her go all gooey and in lurve was cool. And she sent me a couple of pix - they made my toes curl; but for her, all the blood and bruises are fantastic.
He phones her three times a day from work; she's moving in the autumn; and I hear the faint clang of bells in the distance... All I gotta do now is make her visit before she's lost forever to some blerk... Apart from that it's bin a bit of a tough day: too much time to think. I hate it when the house is quiet: brings out all the monsters. I'm a bit wary of them since the 'gargoyle' incident the other night: and I am now terrified of running out of meds.
All this oogy shite kept flitting across my brane all day - seemingly at random. One of the buggers in there's obviously bin rifling the archives again and slingign out random incidents from the 'do not open ever again' file. *sigh* I just keep telling myself: "two steps forward; one step back: net GAIN of one step". I'm thinking of getting it printed on red card and laminated.
Didn't do any therapy this week; and I've just this second realised that I have now totally run out of meds... (not to mention catfood, milk, bread, coffee....) HAVE to go into town tomorrow - if only to get meds. Pray god the script is ready. Plus, I have to pay the council their pound of flesh. I really don't wanna have to call in the cavalry...but I am psyching mtyself up to admit defeat if I have to. I won't have to, though. Dad's going to the docs tomorrow (er..today). He told me on the phone on Saturday that he's going to find out how long he'd have if he came off all his meds.
He says they're making his life a misery. This was hard to hear: he has high blood-pressure, high cholestrol, diabetes - in addition to malignant melanoma - the latest of which to surface he is refusing to have removed (on the basis that it will take 15 years to kill him and he doesn't reckon he has that long left). I have been trying to wrap my head around all this change that's taken place over the last couple of years; the extent to which the family I used to have totally fell apart in the space of a few weeks four years ago; and the rate at which the wreckage has been circling the drain ever since. I can't absorb this - how fast it happened. I'm left with odd images, pictures that tear at me every time they pop up in my head.
Not all of them have happened yet, either. Out of everything I have ever had in my life, the only thing that has been constant and seemed in any way permanent, is Dad. I honestly can't imagine how my life would be without him around. I have this vague image of it: I just don't want to bring it into any clearer focus; and this latest is forcing me to.
So my (selfish) instinct is to talk him out of it as hard as I can; but, realistically, I couldn't. Besides, I can kinda understand his POV: better a short, happy, time than a long miserable one. In any case, I guess I have to respect whatever decision he makes and support him as best I can. Sure as Hell no-one else will - starting with Ma. Just that I seem to have been surrounded by death for so long now - and deaths of people I love - that have caused the collapse of my world so utterly - that I'm not sure I could deal with that.
I'm too young to lose my father. I know lots of people do/have; I know lots of people don't get to HAVE a father at all - let alone one as totally wonderful as mine; but, really, that makes no difference, does it: when it's YOUR father? I mean, I CAN LIVE without him: in an obscure kind of way, he's the one who made it possible for me to learn to be independent in the first place.
I just don't WANT to - with every single molecule of everything that I am. It's the only death that causes me real terror. Even the thought of my own death isn't as frightening - though I am scared of being in pain and alone at the end. Isn't everyone? In a funny kind of way, having been so close to death, and having spent so much time thinking about my own death - how to bring it about, and how to know when the time is right, the consequences for other people - over the last year, I'm almost comfortable with the idea.
It's kind of encouraging to know that, if things really do get too hard, there's an out; a decision I can make; something I can do. So I guess I understand Dad's decision - if that's the one he makes; and I HAVE to do my best to support him in it.
Trouble with everyone else's death, tho, is that there IS no control: it just has to be borne. I'm not sure I could bear Dad's - though, of course, it's likely that I will have to - sooner or later. Just feels at the moment like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop: there's that sense of eerie silence and stillness that you get just before something truly awe-inspiringly catastrophic happens... ....bleurgh....sorry for the morbid rantings.... 'S late: gunna go and find summat absorbing to read and go to bed. Though of course, I don't wanna: Heffy isn't in it. *sigh* . 
