  I duno know why. i mean everything looks fine on the surface and i always thought things are going smoothly between the 2 of us. but the funny thing is, why do i have thing naggling feeling deep inside me that doesn't really assure me? Well, could it be that i m partly insecure about myself? i duno. It's possible tho. I mean why do i get uncomfotable when she could get along so well with all the guys... to the extent of almost flirting with each other right in front of me? Am i being too kind or am i just making a huge fuss out of nothing. It seriously disturbs me deeeply. Well, frens are frens...but the kind of interaction between guys and her somehow doesn't equate to just frens... I mean, i dun think i m restricting too much on her eh, in fact, i m giving all her freedom she wants and here i am, suffering in silence. I feel jealous in some ways becoz she has this ability to get along with all the guys she meet and when i look upon at myself, it doesn' seem like the case.
most gals i meet are more of a friend status. nothing more. Sometimes i wonder how would she feel, if i am the one that's being so friendly-till-i-am-flirting kinda mode with the gals. Man, am i being mean to be thinking this way.... an eye for an eye? Well, the one reason why i was attracted in her first place was her outgoing, bubblicious nature. she seems to have so much energy in life and always see the positive side of things. She's able to bring out the fun and laughter in me. She's able to make stuff that boring into the most happening things in life. She's able to light up my day with her most exaggerated thoughts and quotes. She's like the one complimenting my darker side.the balance of yin and yang. It's like she's able to have just as much fun, with or without me and that made me feeling in a state of loss... an inferiority and fear that i wouldn't be having as much fun without her.
i know i am not perfect and there are times i think i'm guilty of neglecting her, causing her an alarming amount of distress... well, come to think of it, i should improve on myself.... I dun think i have been a very good bf and i am really surprised she is so tolerant of me considering her unpredictable temperant. I always feel that she's able to get any guy she wants... it's true becoz there's just something sexy about her character itself that speaks volume. Most guys i'm sure will be attracted to it. I mean i am a guy myself and it was her out-going nature that first caught my attention. Am i simply being insecure? maybe i am. it is really ironic because... she mentioned to me that i am able to get any girl i want and she was 'surprised' that she is with me.
Sigh. ain't life an irony? The reason why i am feeling like this todae is becoz all the way she was 'interacting' with my guy fren. I mean to her, it might be just plain fun.. but no loh, the signals are blatant...i was observing and yeah, i didn't feel too good about it. I didn't really question her about it coz it might seem like a trivial matter and i ended up talking with her about some other issues instead... related but not directly. Sigh.
it's never easy being in a relationship. I have my fair share of ups and downs. There are moments which i felt on the verge of breaking point and there are a couple of times which i was shedding tears silently. my heart sobbing. (i guess it's a guy thing not to been with yr tears rolling down yr cheeks) The amount of times i have teared within this few months is more than i have been through in my entire life..... this is when i felt the most vulnerable and lonely yet there was not a single soul whom i can speak to. It is really sad. Sometimes i wish i have a few more closer frens whom i can seek solace and help but sad to say, it ain't the case.
affairs of the heart and soul is usually harder to discuss with among guys. The only comfort i have is to pour my heart out into a unlimited space of the virtual world. Beneath that annoymous nick, i am able to express my rawest emotions. In a way it protects me yet at the same time i wish someone out there will hear me. It's like a prayer waiting to be answered. Sometimes i wish i am a girl instead.... well, life is not what you expect when u have it.
Humans are never satisfied i guess. I think from now onwards, i am going to cherish this relationship as much as i can. No matter how it's going to end, or what it is going to become...at least when i look back...i know i have put in my heart and soul into it. Good nite. sweet dreams. I dun know why but i hardly slept the whole of last nite. i went to bed @ 1am and i was awoken by 6am.
Trying not to waste the morning, i woke up logged onto the net and try to finish up with my assignment at the same time. So much thoughts ran through my head last nite but somehow nothing seemed to make a difference. i am still the same usual me and she, her usual self. Luckily it didn't caused a panic attack in me. I am glad in the sense, i have some quiet time of my own, doing my stuff... blessing in disguise perhaps? I told myself... there is no point in dwelling so much. Maybe we ought to talk about it again but i guess at this very moment, the time is not right. Life has to goes on. 
