  Man, what is wrong with me? i click on this guy "Tom"s blog off of Jessicas blog...and im reading it and im like "hey, he seems like a cool guy" cause hes sorta senstive and whatnot and i dont know any truly sensitive guys and im kinda like "aw..." and hes not bad looking (looked him up in the year book) and im all like "this is the kind of guy you should like..." except i cant like him cause i dont know anything about him and ive never met or seen him in real life...or, if i did, i didnt know it was him.
my head is always doing stupid stuff like that to me... as soon as i think some guys an interesting person little warning lights go off in my brain and i think "hey, you could like him..." cause i havent liked anyone in so goddman long and i really wish i did.
At first it didnt bother me at all that i didnt like anyone... i just didnt know anyone who seemed special to me. nothing wrong with that, right? of course not. i dont need to have a guy to like all the time... those people who like someone new every week and who cant go 2 days without having some stupid meaningless crush...those people...are definitely not who i want to be.
but, man, its been such a long time... and im not seeing a whole lot of my friends now... and i think maybe one of the reasons it didnt bother me before...like this time last year... because i was too concerned with other friend-related matters and happy enough and loved enough to not be totally lonely (not that im incredibly lonely now)...and not to spend too much time thinking about it. i mean, i think i was too happy with things as they were to preoccupy myself with thinking too much about my romatnic life. and then i was too deeply involved with preserving certain friendships the begining of last year to really worry about it, i think... but now...i dunno.
its bugging me cause its been soooo long. and a little cause peopleve asked if i was gay and i can say "no" but in truth havent liked anyone in a while... and its a little creepy. i mean, i know im not a lesbian or anything, but its just weird... and then emilys got eric now... and so i get to be jealous of her.
and read those happily infatuated emails and sigh... (not that i dont want those emails...i do...but...you know...) i mean, she deserves him and all...she does. i just...wish i had someone to hope doesnt lose our homecoming tickets. and i just watched Shakespeare In Love... which is a stupid thing to do if you want someone to love/like. its a great movie though. so romantic. but im more likely to fall madly in love with joseph fiennes than i am with anyone i actually see every day at school and anyone whom id have a slight chance of dating or anything.... arg. i wish i had someone to like. but ic ant do that...cause i cant force myself to like someone...i dont want to and i just cant. but, man... i need someone to hug. i need someone to dream about. i need someone to be distracted with in class.
i need someone who i can hope ill day ill see. i need someone my friends can make fun of me for liking. i need someone whod laugh to hear my planned out sports bra theory. i need... i need to go crazy for some guy! grrr...damn my heart. "when all you wanted, all you wantes, sally, was to love and to love and to love and to love, and no one could call that crazy" damn i love that quote. someone...please...save me from this craziness. make me like you. 
