  "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. " -- George Bernard Shaw i think that makes me unreasonable. i dotn care though. some of the greatest men were unreasonable. no f**king way im going to "adapt myself" to some of the things the world throws at me.
no, i refuse to adapt. if you want something bad enough, you cant allow yourself to adapt. you cant give in. and ill be damnned if i give up anytime soon. g...ahh. im so...frustrated with this right now.
i dont want to be angry though, i really really dont want to be angry. and i dont want to yell at anyone... i dont want to be afraid. but im so scared. and i hurt. and i... i want my friend back! what happened to my friend?
i dont feel good. im thinking irrational things too. caitlin made some comment this morning about her changing too much...and all i could think was "i know! stop changing! " and then i said something like "maybe if i just grap her and shake some sense into her" *hand motion of me vigorously shaking an imaginary person by the shoulders* caitlin "What??? " me, realizing im being senselessly violent in my frustration, "oh, God, what am i even doing?
" i dont want to hurt anyone... ahhh, this whole thing f**king sucks. f**king sucks f**king sucks so much you go mad and hate the world for being unforgiving and suspect people you love dearly of being mean on purpose and...ah, God. i hate this. i just... it hurts. it hurts because i miss the..."feeling necessary" (to be topical)...and because i want sooooo badly to be close... and because i feel so defeated... and because im asking for help and getting nothing... and because im paranoid looking for signs that its going downhill... and because i have to watch other people get closer as i slip away. it, just... it f**king hurts.
and thats why im broken and bitter and unhappy. and i dont know what to do about it because i definitely dotn want a replacement...and im trying to do constructive things...but...sigh. i dont know what to f**king do... its killing me. everyone knows it. im back to the pre-sleepover craziness. its just fact.
if i go too long without having a nice long period of time to actually talk to her, i go crazy. huzzah for going crazy. because its sooooo f**king fun. ohohohohooo....i hate this i hate this ihatethisihatethisihatethis. i dont like to use the f word, but...man... f**k. f**k the world for tearing from me just about the only thing i ever really really cared about. life can go f**k itself.
i dont know. maybe i shouldnt care so much about a few stupid emails. why does it bother me so mcuh? i just wish we talked more... and the fact that ive asked her repeatedly and explicitly told her i really wanted email... and now im having other people tell her...and i still have no email. i mean...how can you ignore that? its not cool.
all i want is an effort at communication. thats not a hell of a lot, is it? and i dont know... ever since i realized she hasnt emailed me in an entire month its just like "so this is what your friendship is now. well, thats just f**king swell. " watching yourself grow apart from the person you love more than anyone else and watching other people get closer and fighting as hard as you can to stay up there, to stay close, to stay important...but watching the distance grow anyway. that.
that f**king hurts like nothing else i know. "This is where I say I've had enough And no one should ever feel the way that I feel now. A walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises And I don't believe that I'm getting any better. Any better. Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring And I'm thinking awful thing" -Saints and Sailors, Dashboard Confessional. 
