  i didnt know where to write this..either in blog or in profile or in email to emily or in my diary. probalby in the diary but id rather type. and i dont want to email emily because...i dont feel like making her read this and deal with me. i make her deal with me too much. i make her do too many things. i should leave her alone.
let her be. sometimes i wonder if im even trying to be a good friend. am i trying to do whats right? or am i just doing what i think i want to do and assuming its the right thing...because, even though i may do it with the purest intentions, i still may not be doing the right thing. that doesnt probably make sense unless youre me. what i mean is...i try to be a good friend in that i want to be a good friend...so i want to be helpful and all that...but is that the right thing to do?
i suppose so. but maybe what i want to do isnt really being the good friend i should be...being. but i dont know. im not getting into that. all i know is...countless times ive put up an away message that says "dont ever love anyone, it just screws things up" and it does. it does.
it does. it does. and in my case it makes me crazy. today i have basicaly admited to myself that i am not normal and its a bad kind of not normal. at least in this particular relm. because somehow, somewhere between...the begining of 8th grade and now...probably before now considering i was already crazy a long time ago...i think somewhere between july before 9th and march of 9th i went crazy.
i dont know when or exactly why. but i did. and im still crazy. and i appologize so much for being this way. im sorry. im sorry.
im sorry. but i dont know if i want to fix it so much either. because, for the most part, i make sense to me and i agree with me. and i will die and go crazy...really crazy when i graduate, but ive still got 3 good years till then. [this above part typed wednesday...this below part typed saturday] like...holden crazy. well, maybe not.
id go holden crazy if emily died. kinda like losing an allie, no? but thats a different story. ive been scaring myself lately with how much holden can remind me of myself...or make sense to me. like the whole prostitue thing...we were talking about it in english...both at my table and in our little card groups. people are like "hes crazy...he orders this prostitue then he ends up not sleeping with her and paying her anyway...and he was just complaining about how hes still a virgin" and im like...how do they not understand that?
he wants to still be a virgin...but anyway. maybe thats just a reading thing and not a holden thing...but, like, how voelker said that he feels guilty for allies death...like he should have been able to stop it, even though that completely illogical, part of his brain thinks he could have been able to do something...and like how he thinks its not fair that allie died...that all makes perfect sense to me...especially the thinking he should have been able to do something part. ive probably actually thought that before...but i cant think of a good example. but thats so something i would think and i can understand how hed think that. and people are like "thats crazy"...but, hey, maybe im crazy. well, i am.
and like...the whole coward thing with holden...that i get...and the jane gallegar or whatever her name was...that makes sense...and a bunch of other stuff...its kinda creeping me out... especially the allie thing though. being an older child and having noticed the need to protect and be responsible for those i care about in myself. ive written many emails explaining that too. anyway...my point in writing this was cause i was freaking out about how crazy i am...but now im better. im still crazy, but...i dunno. its not such a bad kind of crazy.
its a good way to live when youre happy...but it freaks you out and makes you doubt your way of thinking when youre not. most of the time im fairly happy. i dunno what was up with me this week...its not like i was incredibly sad...i just...i dunno. i felt weird...like...unwell, sort of...but not physically. but im okay. i think i just need something else to be worried and concerned with besides my own thoughts and craziness and dependencies... i need a boyfriend.
thats what i need. i could take a break from all this pensive crap and just be infatuated...thatd be alright. hint hint. *looks hopefully at heart* mmm...nothing yet. maybe im too pensive and insightful and all that...or am i even those things in the first place? i spent a lot of time thinking about crazy things...and important things...and all that....so i guess thats why people call me "deep"...and according to kara that means im insightful and smart.
i dunno about smart. brilliant perhaps...but not necessarily smart. :-D. well, insane or brilliant. i wrote a poem about that....that was kind of a weird poem. well all i know is im not normal. im pretty crazy.
ive yet to determine if this is a good thing. ill ask emily. hopefully she can provide me with some sort of help....though i might only get an "i dunno" i get too many of those. she has time this weekend...i want answers, dammit. if she wanted a normal friend that asked normal questions, she shouldntve ever talked to me. granted she probably didnt know what she was getting into...but oh well.
anyway, this is kind of rambling and getting off topic now....most of my entries arent like this...well...a change then. i havent written anything in a while either...too busy with school and such. ill write again later. probably this weekend or by next. but...yeah...hoped you enjoyed reading about my craziness. 
