  Well here it is July 5th. Fireworks are over, and life returns back to normal tomorrow. Been thinkin a lot today. Mostly about you, as usual. And thinking about how foolish i have been. here i sit day after day, begging for bits of attention from you.
hoping that perhaps today, things will change and you will allow me into your life. For 4 years i have sat here watching life pass me by, while i have done nothing but sit here , getting fatter, and gettin uglier. Crying day after day, and at this point, not even really sure why. How can you love someone who cant even kiss you. i have often asked myself, why. but i know the answer.
deep down i have always known the answers. guess it was to easy to hide behind the things i wanted to see , instead of seeing things for how they really was, and are. I was hoping that today, i might see things a little more clearer. perhaps pull my head back out of my ass and move on with my life. i want to leave here and never look back. but i dont have the strenth to.
i cant get over you. and i know that you sit there and think how can she love me, she doesnt even know me. and perhaps i dont. perhaps i dont even love you. but what is it then? why do you go through my head , all day and all nite.
still?? you no more care for me today, than the first day we meet. and i know that is all my fault. i am not what you want in a woman, i need to except that and move on. i need to leave you alone, you are happy with your life. you dont need me in it.
its funny every nite when i go to bed, i fall alseep to thoughts of you. cry myself to sleep to thought without you. and i dont know how to stop. i dont know how to quit. i am a drug addict and you are my drug. but there is no clinic i can go to.
no pills i can take to remove the desire for you from my soul. Even now i sit here thinking of you. thinking about how you are probably curled on the couch with your wife, watching television before retiring to bed for the nite. I think about you preparing for bed, going through the house, making sure the doors are locked, and things are in order. Then going to your bedroom to slip into your jammies. Washing your face, brushing your teeth.
Then climbing into bed with your beautiful wife, and holding her in your arms. and i dream , and wish that it was me. laying there in your arms. recieving your kisses. but it needs to stop. life is to short to cry over something you could never have.
something that was never even possible for you to have. something thats not mine to have. i have tried everything i know to make you care. but you cant force people to care for you, you can only hope that they do. im just tired of feeling guilty. in my heart i know i could not of changed things that day.
things happen, and sometimes, you just cant control the way things go. perhaps if i had done things different. who knows. the only thing i ever wanted out of life, was the only thing i could never have. Someone who loves me. Well i have a few things to do before i lay my head on my pillow for a bit. 
