  I went and visited with my lil' Spanish Chica, Nancy, last night. I hadn't planned on it, but I had heard on the radio that the Shania Twain concert had been rescheduled and I wanted to make sure she knew, cuz she has tickets. (She had no idea) Anyway, I was sitting there and she comes up to me and asks why I looked so blue. I didn't want to get into it, but she hounded me and I told her I was feeling a little lonely and down about it. So we started talking about the last year and the ups and downs of my experiences. This Sunday will be one year ago that I met "The Daquiri Dude", the Italian Stallion of sex appeal, the one I let go after 4 months of total bliss. She thinks that I should dress all sexy and saunter over to the Daquiri shop during the parade this weekend and order my usual. She thinks I should be all cool and aloof and drag along someone to make him jealous. Don't worry, the Daquiri shop is the last place I will be. He may have made an impression on my heart, I doubt I did on his. If I had, he would have called me.
Sometimes I wonder why it is taking me so long to get over that one, it's not like we had a commitment or anything. She then had me laughing over the Drug Addict, then Mr. Fix-it and the Mortician. And then I got another I told you so about the cop....Blah! Then out of the blue she stops sweeping and asked me why I haven't let go of Billy or Irv. I tried to explain to her that there was never that kind of relationship between us to let go. Billy and Irv will always be my guys. I love them both dearly. She couldn't understand that. I have an unusual relationship with them, one kind with Irv and another kind with Billy. Billy saved my life. Irv is my pervert. And I know that if I pursued anything different, I would lose what I have with them.
Period. End of subject. She did change the subject and the evening ended soon after. On my way home I had a revelation, sort of. I think I still hold a lot of bitterness toward my Ex's. I think that maybe one of the reasons I can't let myself get close to someone as of yet. The reason I run at the prospect of a relationship with someone. I know I don't have as much resentment toward John as I did a year ago, but Cathy-Lynn...her, I hate, with a passion that is rotting inside me.
I need to get over that. I need to get over my fear of women. I have not written about her. About how it felt to be with her. About the joy and the pain of her. About how much I loved her and her tearing my heart out. I think it's time to let it go...... 
