  So I'm listening to a cheesy song. Well that's what I'm doing now. Before I was reading the great book I got for Christmas; 'At Swim, Two Boys' by Jaimie O'Neill. It's a hard read for me, not just because there seem to be so many words that I don't understand. But moreso on my own psyche it's pretty difficult. If the end of the book isn't what I'm hoping it will be I'll be very upset.
And the other main thing that bothers me, is that the book is so romantic and beautiful, and it makes me realise that I have never experienced anything of the sort in my life. And I really don't expect I ever will. Now if I were to play the blame game, I would probably place my wish to fall in love and have a great romance on my friend Natalie. Sorry, N-Babe...I'm not saying this is a bad thing but I wonder sometimes if I would actually be bothered by loves abscence if it weren't for the queen of romance herself.
As I have alluded to before I consider myself to be a big ole puzzle. The big piece in the middle that is missing is my love and my soulmate, and everything will fall into place around that if only I could find it. And yet, it doesn't seem like it will fit perfectly even if I do find it. On top of this stuff a customer called me ugly today. On top of that I made a couple of judgement errors Friday night, so now I am left desperately trying to hold onto any remnant of positive mood. As anyone knows nothing quite bothers me like making a mistake. Ugly?? Imagine that, eh. I mean, I think I'm unattractive, but ugly my be a tad harsh. Certainly if you go more than skin deep I might be construed as being ugly. Mind you in that sense I could also be construed as being beautiful.
I am nothing if not empathetic, I try my best and sometimes how much I care for others can affect me negatively. In case any of you wonder why I don't show my empathy much that would be why. But when it comes to myself I don't allow much 'self-pathy'. I'm not sure if there is a word for empathy of the self. I don't give myself a break. I care very little for myself and my value.
In fact I value myself alot less than I am sure most of you would begin to think I do. So you ask the question, am I depressed? I would say no. This is the way I live my life, constantly in this purgatorey of mood, I am neither here nor there but I am more likely to fall then to ascend. So it goes. 
