  Oatmeal Pan Set oven to 375 degrees. Make sure there's nothing in it, like a baking pan, aluminum foil, or a plastic bowling ball. Double check for those bowling balls, because they are black, easy to miss, and make one hell of a stinky mess when they melt. Start with two and a half sticks of butter. Read the directions, discovering you have to beat this into 3/4 cup of brown sugar and 1/2 cup of regular sugar. Fuck that.
Nuke the butter for a minute or so until it's melted, then beat in the sugars. Toss in a raw egg. It's generally better to remove the shell first, but that's just me. Add a teaspoon of vanilla extract. Resist the urge to chug the vanilla bottle. It's never worth it.
Mix everything together. Note how the egg white forms this "window" into the rest of the mix. It's all yellow, except for where the brown sugar shows through. Stare at the directions some more and think to yourself that you should have read it sooner and mixed this shit beforehand. Take the box of baking soda out of the fridge, remove one teaspoon, dump it in the mix. If you just put the box in the mix, start over and figure out the damn pronoun correctly, dumbass.
Then put the box back in the fridge so it can continue to suck up the fungal odor from all the rotting leftovers. Add in one teaspoon of salt, one teaspoon of cinnamon, and 1/4 teaspoon of nutmeg. Mix well. Add in one and a half cups of flour. Mix quickly. Continue until you feel the burn in your forearms.
Add in three cups of oats. Mix well. If you're doing this correctly, you will end up with Popeye-sized forearms. This is a harmless side effect, unless you're in that 0.01% of the population who lives with a multi-jointed skinny woman and a very large mumbling man. These people should take spinach quickly, rather than putting up with the five minutes of abuse that's sure to follow before you finally get pissed off enough to finally take it. Form the batter into lumps and put them on an ungreased cookie sheet.
Get all macho and fit the entire mix on to the cookie sheet at once. Feel proud. Lick your fingers. You'll die from the salmonella in the raw egg, but who cares? It's delicious! Put the cookies in the oven to bake for 8-9 minutes.
Or, more like fifteen, because it never looks right after just nine. Remove the cookie sheet. The lumps have now flattened and merged into a gigantic lumpy mass with a handful of gaps where you didn't put the lumps close enough together. Use a knife to cut the mass into squarish or circlish shapes. Resist the urge to look up "squarish" and "circlish" in the dictionary. Eat.
Do not share. 
