  Guest loser Ryan makes us a sammich! First, check all three bags of mostly-gone bread bags to see which one has the least chance of having mold on a piece other than the butt. Mix and match any two pieces that won't crumble to the ground when picked up. Plug in $9.99 Sandwich maker from Target (that's Tar-jay).
Wait until the green light comes on. Meanwhile, pray one of those cheap packets of America's Choice lunchmeat (so they say) in your fridge hasn't expired. If a skin that normally doesn't appear around turkey is hanging on, pull it off. Do not try to figure out what it is! Grab a slice of cheese. If no slices are left and you have a packet of Parmesan cheese left over from the night before when you ordered Papa John's, you can substitute, although it doesn't melt real well.
Then put contents between the two sorry pieces of bread and place on one side of the sandwich maker that you have been too lazy to clean for the past month. Expect the sandwich to stick to surface because of this. Close lid and turn on radio. Play air guitar for approximately one minute. The green light should be off. Lift lid and grab the sharpest thing in your drawer or sink if not one utensil is left in the drawer.
Saw back and forth until sandwich comes loose. Do not look at sandwich before eating. Throw in mouth while concentrating on anything other than the taste that is exuding from the object you are cosuming. Repeat all steps if hunger feeling has not gone away. Or just eat a piece of bread plain because that did not taste very good anyway. :) 
