  Loaves and Fishes (feeds 1, not 5000) Pull package of Tilapia out of freezer. It's the kind in the blue packaging. Note that on the back is a blurb that this is the fish the Jesus H. Christ himself used at the loaves and fishes hoedown in Galilee a few years ago.
Wonder if the company is run by fundamentalists. Wonder why you bothered going grocery shopping if this is really going to make that much. Also note that you don't really know how to make fish. But the first step is defrosting, so you set it in a bowl of water for a while. While waiting on that, dig through fridge for side dishes. Find a package of store brand crescent rolls that expired in December. Figure they won't kill you if they have to be baked at 375 degrees. Hey! The fish has thawed. Pull out largest frying pan you have and toss some olive oil and roasted garlic in there. Get it warming up on low heat.
Beat one egg and a little milk in a bowl . NO NO NO, don't drink it. Dip the fish in there and then in some of those Progresso Dago Breadcrumbs in the blue can. Not in the blue can itself, but on a plate. Get the fish slowly frying in the pan and preheat the oven. While preheating, hear something pop. It's the rolls, because you set them on top of a preheating oven. Consider a few of them a casualty and arrange the rest on an airbake sheet and shove it in the oven. Turn the fish. Wait a bit. Pour self glass of milk. Fish is done!. Drain them on a few paper towels.
Now, using the olive oil and garlic still in the pan, toss in a bucket of mushrooms that were about to go anyway and some red onion. Crank the heat to HOT HOT HOT and when the onions are about carmelized, the rolls are finished, and there you have it. Dinner. Grab Brita pitcher out of fridge. Pour into goblet stolen from an ex boyfriend. Notice that it doesn't turn into wine. 
