  My first full day of being a celebrity is winding down .  and let me tell you,  it's been EXHAUSTING.  The press tours!  The autograph hounds!  The paparazzi!
 Actually,  the magazine hit Chicago- area mailboxes on Saturday -  so I've really been a celebrity for three full days.  I just didn't know it.  So I've decided to measure the demands of my celebrityhood from the moment someone thrust the magazine in my face at Monday morning's staff meeting to show me the grotesque photo and misleading profile that have my name on them.
 Here's how it's shaken down so far:  WORK People I encountered:  I think we have about 200 employees People who've made comments:  About all of them -  but that's only because of the office gossip network THE GYM People I encountered:  Not too many -
 maybe 20 People checking out my famous ass in the shower:  None THE TRAIN HOME People I encountered:  I was able to get a seat,  so maybe about 50 People who fought to sit by me and cop a feel:  None SUPERCUTS People I encountered:  10 People demanding haircuts inspired by my famous mane:
 None THE LAKEFRONT TRAIL People I encountered:  Tons,  but I was too busy focusing on getting in four miles before the sun went down to count People hiding in the bushes and snapping photos of me to sell to the Sun- Times:  None SIDETRACK People I encountered:  A whole bunch -
 it was show tune night,  you know People staring hungrily at me as they sang " One ( Singular Sensation)  None MY BEDROOM People I encountered:  Just me Supermodels showing up at my door in nothing but towels,
 demanding that I kiss them:  None THE 147 MORNING BUS People I encountered:  Standing room only People craning their necks to see exactly what a glamorous celebrity listens to on his iPod:  None CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN People I encountered:  The place was about half full People walking by our booth and stealing surreptitious glances as they basked in my celebrity glow:  None MY INBOX People able to reach me via the email address the magazine set up for me:
 Infinite People who've crafted seductive e- poems in celebration of my shining famousness:  None As you can see,  I've developed a true empathy for my fellow celebrities today.  Keeping up with the constant demands for my attention -  not to mention keeping myself photo-
shoot pretty at all times -  can really take its toll.  I don't know how Julia Roberts and Gilbert Gottfried do it.  I'll be back tomorrow with more tales from the front.  In the mean time,  duck if you see me.
 The crowds can be vicious.
