  My little brother and I slouched in our Ikea-trendy chairs at urlLink Coldstone Creamery and dug into our waffle cone creations. Mine, a Sinless Sweet Cream with strawberries and whipped cream. His, an imposing concoction of fudge brownie, gummie bears, and Kit Kat. Consumed by our dairy binge, we talked only to comment on the ice cream or offer one-line bits of gossip about friends and family.
"Get this," Adam mumbled through chunks of brownie,"Mom totally told me you're the way more talented and smart one but you had no motivation in school which is why I"m going to Princeton and you're here in Missouri. " I bit my lip so hard when I pulled my spoon out of my mouth, I wasn't sure if I was looking at a strawberry or blood. "Shut up, dude. She wouldn't say something like that. " But Adam was insistent that she had, and I wasn't sure who on whose behalf I was supposed to be more indignant: His, because he's completely brilliant AND a hard worker so he deserves everything he gets, or me because I'm not a complete slacker. I've done things...I swear. Still, the thought bothered me the whole rest of the weekend as I raced around the house, performing two days worth of house cleaning in three hours so I could entertain the onslaught of in-laws coming in for Jay's junior recital. God, it was such a navel gazing train of thought, but I finally decided I was unmotivated. I DO suck because I'm lazy. Do you know how depressing this is? I didn't fail my senior recital because my horn broke. I failed it because I realized I wasn't getting out of Missouri, so what was the point in doing well?
I sabotaged my only fucking ticket out of mediocrity because I didn't want to have to face the scariness of dealing with grad school, or a new city, or new people. What I've written off as epic bad luck throughout my life may have just been self-abnegation in action. What a depressing thought... So now I'm waiting for this epiphany on how to be industrious and motivated.
Dowdy, fifty year old housewives have epiphanies all the time. I see them on that Bible channel giving all the credit to God for helping them divorce their husbands or lose 25 pounds. What's he waiting for with me? I can't even write a good post. I hate this. 
