  It's almost like getting crushed by a semi, but not die. You just lay there in pain, struggling, but you can't do anything about it. It all depends on someone else to help you get through it, to live. I seriously don't know how else to explain how I've been feeling lately. The only thing I can help myself with is doing somewhat well on tests aka studying and trying to be happy and having a positive outlook. Everything else though is out of my hands, out of my control. I feel like almost every hard situation I'm in right now all depends on someone else.
Whether it's a ref during a game, a writer for my page, or just an indecisive friend. With that I can hardly help the situations, I can't make them better at all, sure for some things I can try, but others I can only make them worse. It doesn't help that I'm controlling and have no paticence for things to just work out. I feel like I need to change myself now, honeslty. I feel like it's come down to the point where I just need to change. But the funny part is I can't, it's how I am and I've been like this my whole life. I have been emotional with every aspect in my life, no matter the situation, and more than ever, that's starting to get me in trouble. I don't like being so emotional, it just ruins things and my attitude, but people need to realize that I can't just change on the spot. And it frusturates me even more to know that I can barely help myself right now. I feel completely helpless because I can't do anything. I can't express myself with anything I do because it always comes out the wrong way or it comes out too aggressive. I can't get what I want, at all. What hurts me the most is that I can't play my game, I can't play my game of lacrosse without feeling critized and I can't even play my game of life without getting hurt.
I don't know what I need, maybe I just need to stop. But it's so hard to just sit and watch while the world passes me by. I'm in a constant position while everyone else seems to progress. I need people to help me in the situations I can't help and I need people to help me control my emotions.
Mostly though, I need to feel like I have control of at least one aspect of my life right now because nothing seems to fit, nothing is in my hands. I know things work out all on their own and you have to just wait for it, but it's been too long, I just wish things would work out for themselves right now. I'm completely helpless and that's all I can say. Kati 
