  I have a million thoughts in my head right now, so bare with me. First of all, I am starting to panic just a little bit. I have a car payment coming up, and a couple credit card bills due, and I am just about out of money.
I am sending out resumes, but it could take a month or more to get the ball rolling, by the time you interview, and they interview other people, and they make a decision, and so on and so forth. I am just worried. Then I have the issue of whether or not it will pay enough for me to move up to the burbs right away. I don't want to have to drive back and forth everyday, but I don't want a job here. Can my life be any more screwed up right now.
I am starting to feel extrememly hopeless....it's like I just don't want to do it anymore. I want to go lay in bed and not come out of my room. But I know I can't do that. I know I just need to do whatever I can to get by. It's just sooooo frustrating. We went out last night and every place we went just sucked so bad. Either the place was full of people I didn't know, or people were yelling and screaming about the Illinois game, or the place was a dive.
I go out and I just wish I had stayed home. Plus there are cops just swarming this town. They have a task force here, and all these state police. Apparently they are still trying to solve this murder that happened a year ago. Why they waited a year to come back and solve it I'll never know. Tonight we just took a ride to see what was going on and they were all over this bar in town. They were all outside talking to people and the cars were parked all over.
It was crazy. And taking a ride around this town and seeing what kind of place it is makes me want out so bad. Then I get home tonight and for some reason I have John on my mind, which totally sucks. It's a wasted emotion, because I know deep down that he was not good for me.
But I see things that make me think of him and it just hurts. It makes me crazy to think I knew a person and related to a person for a period of time and then they totally changed. I got this magazine in the mail with all these travel deals in it, and there was a deal for Vegas, and for L.A. and those places just make me think of him. And now I am at the point where I feel like I can't and don't want to trust another guy. Between my past experiences with guys and hearing about all these men cheating on their girlfriends and wives, I feel like I don't ever want to get hurt again, so therefore I will just cease putting myself out there.
I guess I just want to protect myself, and maybe I trusted too easily. I don't want to go through life with that kind of attitude, but I don't know how else to feel. I feel like I open myself up to people and they take advantage of me. Well I guess I have rambled on enough. And if you made it this far, thanks for reading. Sorry if I brought you down! 
