  Samuel Johnson A year ago I was at the movies watching Lord of the Rings the Two Towers. I took my brother and his friend for a matinee.
In the middle of the movie it hit me, I was single for more than a year. I got depressed. I got so sad that I didn't leave home for two weeks. I didn't do anything to resolve my depression. I didn't date, I didn't try to. Now, I'm in the same position.
I try now to know how I managed to believe all this weeks that I was ok, that I've moved on. I haven't. Situations like this one made me realize that it still hurts. It's been long since. All this time I've tried to put my mind to work. I've tried to keep me so busy that the only way to go at the end of the day would be to sleep. I succeeded, at some level. Still, everything reminds me. Some smell, a movement, a dream ( those are the ones that hurt the most ), a word, a song. Now, what's the worst? The knowledge that I am the only one clinging to this, and is just stupid of me.
As today was watching SATC reruns, I cried like a baby. It felt good, but left me thinking. Was sincerity what I needed? I think it was. After all, I was feeling miserable for two weeks prior to "the moment". Would I go back? With cold head I'd say no. With heart, in a second. Even though I know it would've never worked. Somehow, and I don't know why, I think it was my fault. And maybe, well, not maybe, THAT is what's killing me. I keep roaming about everything, all the details. Damn my intelligence. I managed to know everything without even trying: mail accounts left opened, cell calls, etcetera.
Still, I kept my mouth shut. Stupid of me. I just allowed myself to keep falling in love and then be crushed for two persons that don't deserve all this time. I know I'm smart enough to get even. Heck, I'm smart enough to give enough pain. I love vengeance. But I love him. Slap me in the face, please. In all this process, I may even treated some people the way he treated me, and I am so sorry for it.
I know I'm not ready to date them, but not even as friends? Why do I have to hold back? Why do I have to make all this so complicated? Maybe, because I know now, this is the second time I've been in love, and the first time someone breaks my heart, on purpose. 
