  as you all know, i have a close knit group of slutty friends called, "loyals," which stacey so skillfully named. i've thought about you guys about oh....300000 times this summer and how i wished i was home hanging out with you guys, and i've decided that each and every one of you is good for a specific category of things. so here goes: beth. if you want to go out and get retarded and then drive home, you call beth. not only is she always in a good mood, but she's always ready to go out, meet people, and then have wild sex in their hotel rooms, much to sarah and stacey's dismay.
if you've got a test in the morning, she'll have you home by 1 at the earliest, otherwise always keep a change of clothes and a toothbrush in your car cause you never know where you're gonna end up. so i've named her the "get drunk, hook up, and repeat" loyal. then there's nia. nia is my "freaknasty" loyal. got sex stories? go to nia cause she's probably already done it. burning sensation? nia's got it. funky karma-sutra like position you wanna try? she'll tell you how to do it. she's a pro if ya know what i mean. nia's position is a toss up though, she can also be known as the "slow" loyal. got a joke? don't tell nia cause she won't get it.
a couple days later you'll hear her giggling, ask her what she's laughing at, and she'll be like "i just got that joke you told a couple days ago. " by that point, i've already forgotten what the joke was even about. then there's sarah. sarah's my "bitch" loyal. you got something or someone you wanna bitch about? sarah will sit there and listen for hours and give the best advice.
OCD on the brain? talk to sarah. not only will she point out that whatever or whoever is bothering you is a complete moron, but she'll make you have AL in the process. speaking of AL, stacey is my "fucking hilarious, don't leave home without depends," loyal. you can't help but laugh till you soil yourself when stacey's around. example: sarah, we're in las vegas not HERSHEY PENNSYLVANIA. yeah that one gets me everytime. if you need some cheering up, or just feel like laughing till you gotta take a coma, defintely hang out with stacey, and don't leave home without depends. second to last is jaime. jaime is the "neutral, non bearing, hit on you when she's drunk" loyal.
watch out cause she gets frisky. not only can you count on jaime to feel you up and attempt to make out with you when she's drunk, but she's also very non confrontational which is good at times. if you're about to bash someone's face in, she'll make you calm down until the rage is just a small urge. she's also very good at mediating problems between people, especially loyals vs. sigma. DING DING DING!
WE WIN! last is marissa. marissa is my "combination" loyal. she's a mixture of everything listed above and more. marissa is the best friend you'll ever make, the horniest friend you'll ever make, and basically she has enough sexual experience to write a book. (see i'm allowed to say this marissa, cause only people you know read it. ) she's not 21 yet folks, but come december 14th, she's bound to be hitting up every bar between new brunswick and trenton with the determination of me finishing a piece of cheesecake at an all you can eat buffet.
so there you have it. though what i've said doesn't even begin to sum up even the worst qualities my friends possess, they mean the world to me, so i thought you'd enjoy reading about them. but you can only read, cause they're mine!
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