  Was considering calling him to make sure he was alive. Figuring a likely time that he would be out, just checking for voicemail. But, what is the point? The thing that is hard is that I figured that one way that it would all swing was that I was just a woman to him. And that there was a pattern of attitude and behavior that said that he thought women were just a mm above worthless. And worth only sex and I knew that I was not going to be worth that to him, so I would, if only a woman, be worthless to him and that he would walk, like he has. And what others say of him and what I found there certianly suggest that all of that is true. And, so I struggle to find ways for it not to be.
I thought that maybe I was worth more than that, that I was not a woman to him, but a friend. So, to think that I invested years, tens of thousands of dollars, and all of the other discarded choices in my faith in him is just kind of stunning. I had thought that over time my relationships were getting better, more intelligent, stronger emotionally. But, this moment is the worst ever. I really can conceive of no way for him to be gone and to have ever cared at all. The two just do not compute for me. I do not understand. If I am supposed to learn to never trust, never be open, never want to tether my life to another, then OK, I do not need to understand. The why and how does not really matter. I wish that I felt a little more certain about what next steps to take in my life.
Tomorrow is the big decision day. I suppose that living in a big city has its advantages. Opportunity to be nameless and faceless. I could spend the time to rest and get stronger. I could return to swimming and meditation. Find book groups and meditation groups and perhaps a religious group that might not weekly annoy me. Find something to volunteer to eventually. And maybe find the time and place to see friends once a year. It would be a different life, but one that might over time allow me to be stronger. The question become just one of can I do it at all. I think that I will wait until I am gone, then call. If by then I still want to know that he is OK. 
