  It started today. God was merciful to me the past few days, as I went about my business at home and at work. I keep the Christian music on the radio as much as possible, and I have a devotional in my desk at work that I peek at when I get the chance. But I knew it would happen sooner or later. I have been in a touchy mood since I got home from work today. A guy was supposed to come by the house to give me an estimate for clearing the garbage out of my mother's yard, so I left work early to meet him, but he never showed. Never even called. That got me started. I was restless--I started cleaning the house, doing my daughter's chores for her.
I watched the clock impatiently, waiting for trash-boy to call or show up. He did neither. I noticed that Lawn Doctor had been by and sprayed the lawn with pesticide. Now I had to keep the stupid dog off the lawn as much as possible. Too bad she had it in her head that my mother, the love of her life, was home, and kept wanting to be outside. Each time she goes out, I have to wipe her down with a wet towel before she comes back in. I hope to GOD she doesn't get sick. Then my mother and my brother both call--I keep thinking it's trash boy, and when it's not, I get into a snit. Mom wants to know if we have noodles and carrots so she can finish making her famous chicken soup. My brother wants my mother, and when he can't get her, he starts chatting with me. I hate chatting with my family.
Last night my mother wanted to put me on the phone with my other brother, and I nearly had a fit trying to tell her NO. I made some excuse to her as to why, and she bought it. She has NO idea what I'm going through. NO ONE DOES. Only my prayer partners in this--the pastor's wife, and the guest speaker at the retreat who gave the original testimony (that's if she even remembers who I was). Mom and my daughter get home too late for her to make it to Karate class on time, which means she has to go tomorrow and miss her Youth meeting at church. That really bugs me. Then I have to reload a computer program so I can make a CD for my daughter. My tongue is blue from too much biting it. I put on a happy face for my family and make like I'm OK, but they can't be that stupid.
I can feel how phoney I am, and they have to notice. Inside, I want to scream and hit. Mostly scream. Everything that I managed to sweep under the rug (the Holy Rug of Forgiveness, I called it) came crawling back out and dancing in front of me--all the little things that bug me about my mother, for instance. All the things I asked God to forgive me of--resenting her for this and that, even after all she's done for me. She bought me a car so I could graduate college, and I blow a gasket (on the inside), because she plans on giving one of my good bowls to a lady-friend with cancer (that holds the aforementioned soup).
How messed up is that? I acknowledge the feelings are wrong, but they are still there. I write this blog to help me sort my feelings, to get them out of me in a way that won't hurt anyone or give my secret away to those I fear will learn of it the most. I feel like I should be on a talk show--I'll share my deepest, darkest secrets with total strangers on the Internet, but not my own family. I know my mother, you see, and after living with her for the past 6 1/2 years, I think I can safely say that if she knew what I was going through, she would have one of several reactions: 1) she'd blame herself, 2) she'd blame my estranged husband, 3) she'd blame another family member, or 4) she'd blame me. Either way, there would have to be someone to blame, someone for her to get mad at. That's how she handles bad stuff.
This is another symptom of the "disease"--I get easily distracted. I know I will be OK--I just have to keep reminding myself that until I believe it. I know they are just FEELINGS with NO basis in FACT, yet the FACTS don't make the FEELINGS go away. I have a headache. I have chest pains. I've had weird dreams. I can't get to sleep at night, and I can't get up in the morning.
I'd rather daydream about a movie I saw last week or what I did on the retreat (neither of which is a pleasant thing, mind you) than get dressed for work. I have sat on the bed, pants on, shirt off, one sock on, holding the other one, just staring into space for 5-10 minutes, thinking about LORD knows what. I hope I get a job as a writer someday. I could do this for hours on end--now I just have to find someone willing to pay me to do it. Any takers? 
