  Maybe it's evident from last night's poetic disturbance of urlLink Elizabeth Barret Browning's otherwise wonderful work that things have been a little rough. I always hoped space would take John away from me, but I didn't expect it to do so when he's still on Earth. I'm trying not to be bitter, but I do hate air and water right now. John's unhappy too. He hates being away from the kids so much. Often he gets home when it's time for them to be in bed. He was in meetings all last Saturday, then tagged up via teleconferences on Sunday so he could have a little family time between.
Today he's at meetings again. I don't know how single parents do it. This sucks. Last February the Shuttle accident was so traumatic and horrible, I was willing to do anything to support John's work. With a toddler and a one-week-old baby, I let him end his paternity leave early and go back to a schedule that was double and sometimes even triple his normal routine. It was hard, but we all said it would get better in June after the first Soyuz and Progress had launched. June came and went, and we took a nice long vacation, but the projects piled high when we returned.
Now, the recent public problems with the air and water monitoring have lead to a new series of disasters. This project should be finished sometime next month. The temptation for John as well as John's bosses is to pile on another crisis at that point. But I've communicated with John, and to his credit, he listened and understood what I meant and the nature in which I said it, there cannot be any more projects like this unless I've got back-up.
Maybe my parents will move here and that will help. But he needs to treat his part of parenting just as he would his job: if he's not around to do it, he finds someone to cover for him. He can ask his mom to come or his sister to help or be creative with finding another option. But finding that option is his responsibility, not mine. We live in a society now where people generally understand that division of labor is not gender dependent. The kids need supportive parenting from both their mom and their dad. My life and interests are every bit as important as his, and should not be maligned simply because a difference in chromosomes. Most importantly, I need to get back to doing the things in life that give me a feeling a value an importance.
I want accomplishment and measurable successes. I want to be sane. These are the seeds of unfulfilled desires that could easily lead to major problems down the road, at best a midlife crisis and at worse the break-up of the family. I think we're averting those ends by communicating clearly now. Since progress is what's given me as a woman the capacity to want these things, progress should also give me the ability to communicate and fulfill my wants without harming my family. I've been pregnant--in the sense that my body has been the sole support for a child--for over three years!
For much of that, I've been able to have some time to myself, whether it was at work or at home. This is pretty much the slimmest that margin has gotten. It's good to know how much a person can take, but it's better to learn from the experience and set clear boundaries that protect everyone. Here's my boundary, world! Do you hear me? This is all I'm going to take. 
