  I've been going back over urlLink William and Martha Sears' the Successful Child , I'd forgotten what a valuable tool for parenting this is. This time along, I was driven to use a highlighter so I could more quickly access the really good parts when I want to reference them. This book focuses on one of my key desires from parenting theories: defining what the objective behavior and character in the grown child is (what is success) and laying out avenues for achieving that grown child. Sears' vision for a successful young adult is centered on compassion, a close attachment to family, and achievement in school and extracurricular activities.
These line up well with my own values. One part in particular that struck me reads: "Parents who believe that an infant comes into the world programmed to control the parents (and there are books and parenting advisers that promote this idea) respond by trying to control the baby first. Remember, tiny infants cry to communicate, not manipulate. When parents don't respond to infants' cries because they're trying to show the baby who's boss, they cut off the communication right from the start. Everybody loses. " In a separate chapter, amid discussions on how to help siblings maintain a close bond, Sears recommends parents handle conflict by reminding the "children that they must respect one another's feelings--even when one is convinced that the other is completely wrong. It's hard to hate a person who understands and cares about how you feel... Take time to talk about the feelings involved and the actions they produce.
This is the first step toward a true negotiated settlement, not just a temporary, parent-imposed cease-fire. " When I read this I wanted to stand up and chear. It took me a good length of my life to discover the importance of respecting others (especially because they're so wrong! no, no, I learned, I grew. Really. ) amid huge and principalled disagreements. Heck, American foreign policy would do well to read Sears.
What Sears is offering here is a concrete way to transfer this value, through parenting, to your children. It's analogous to my no-sweets diet with which I insist on surrounding the kids. If I pound this in now, during the formative years, it will be part of the old-brain normal by the time they're adults. 
