  This morning I woke up and I had a one year old and a three year old! Suddenly I'm the mother of a toddler and a boy, after being the mother of a baby and a toddler for so long! I know it's only semantics, but I get caught up in these identities. My little baby girl isn't little or a baby anymore. These past few weeks she's gone through quite a growth spurt, so literally, she isn't that little anymore!
I can't believe she's only been here for a year. It feels like she's always been a part of our lives. In an abstract way, I think she has, but when I recall memories from two or three years ago, my mind actually inserts Ellie into my arms, or instead I think what did I do with Ellie when I did that? And then I have to remember she wasn't born yet! Her birthday means it's almost been a year since the Columbia accident, and I can't believe it's been a year since that either.
The strain of recovering was more difficult than I could have imagined, but we made it! Things will never be the same, and they shouldn't be, but in so many ways, these things have changed for the better. I feel like NASA, John, and our family are stronger and have a clearer vision of where we want to go. Part of me will always feel a little twinge of pain when I recall that John never had a real paternity leave with his baby girl, he missed so many of her days. But his love was always there. I think when she's old enough to explain it to, she will be happy that her dad chose to help save the Space Station at the expense of extra special time with her.
Having said that, it's been a year, and the emergency procedures are over. It's time for all of us to get back to focusing on the family alongside career pursuits. She needs her daddy home. I don't think nature watches the calendar, but it does seem that my body and hers both feel the change. I feel my instincts pulling away from her, and I see her setting up her own little identity separate from me. I don't rush to her to aide every little unhappiness anymore. I don't even nurse her as often. It's the first stages of her becoming a child rather than my baby. Eventually, she'll be self sufficient, just as her brother is now.
She'll go to the bathroom on her own, eat on her own, sleep on her own. This is how it begins. A month ago that thought would have made me very sad. But now I feel such a peace with it. It's what she needs, and it's time. 
