  I have struggled very hard to avoid depression lately, but I have given in this time, frustrated at the futility of my efforts. Nothing in particular has brought this on, but the culmination of many smaller events have compiled into this pathetic excuse of a mind I own to bring on this current episode. It is getting worse, too. I don't know when it will apex, but I am scared. I feel helpless, alone, distraught. I want to scream, I want to hide, I want to just hear somebody tell me I am not alone. I want to get help, I want to find help, I want help. What should I do? I can't tell people around me how I feel, because I do not want them to worry about me needlessly, but I am striving for an answer. I just want to know that it will go away. I just want a friend. I just want to be . . .
I haven't eaten in two days, I don't want to eat any more. I want to just sleep my life away. I want to crawl into the bed and hide in the comforting darkness. I only have one reason to stay awake, but even that is something that I worry about, so I can't really win. I am trying to distract myself with projects, but I can not keep up the focus in the way that I would traditionally find so easy.
Why, if so many people have what I suffer from, do we not have help? Is it because I can't afford it? I don't know where to turn, my credit is already ruined from unpaid medical expenses because I am incapable of keeping a single job long enough to get health coverage. It is not because I am incapable, but it is because I struggle with these episodes that affect my reliability. I can not control them, I can not predict them, I can not stop them. Music keeps me sane, but it does not keep me healthy. 
