  A Day in the Life of a substitute teacher Imagine:  25 hyperactive attention deficit screaming sixth grade hellions,  searching your face and every move for signs of weakness,  and then you've lost it all,  you there in front of the classroom,  your pulse races as you scramble to maintain focus and order to a bee hive on crack,
 your voice is raw,  your eyes check the clock every 2. 2 seconds,  your hands,  with no lesson plans,  your sleep pattern interrupted by a 6am phone call,
 you are starting to wonder if minimum wage isn't so bad after all.  Me:  so uhm. this is a health class or something?  What are we talking about?  (
Mistake 1:  never show any signs of unpreparedness)  Them:  ( screaming,  talking)
 ( the " brown- nosers"  pipe up)  we're talking about tobacco and smoking Me:
 Everyone in your seats and quiet please ( mistake two:  forget about the " please"  They're monsters,  for godsakes )
 Okay,  let's discuss,  does anybody's parents smoke Them:  ( screaming,  talking,
 " yes's and no's"  Me:  Okay,  everybody raise your hands first so we can all listen to one person at a time ( mistake three:
 forgetting the baseball bat)  Have your parents talked to you about smoking and what did they say?  Them:  ( screaming,  talking,
 general chaos)  ( a boy pipes up and delivers a nicely canned answer)  smoking is bad for your health and it makes you look old and smell nasty.  Me:  Hmm.
interesting.  Okay,  wait.  You there,  in your seat.  What's your name?
 I'm going to have to start writing names on the board.  I'm trying to lead a discussion here.  ( mistake four:  signing up for this job)  Well,
 okay,  right,  we're talking about smoking.  Well,  if smoking is so terrible,  then why do so many people do it?
 Them:  ( chaos rising)  ( girl pipes up)  some people think it looks cool if you do it in front of your friends.
 Me:  Uh huh.  I used to smoke.  Them:  ( Gasp,
 shock,  Gasp)  You diiiiiid?  Me:  well,  not alot.
 Maybe like a pack every two weeks.  Not alot.  ( back pedal,  back pedal)  Them:
 ( little smartass boy)  All it takes is one pack,  so your addicted!  Me:  no I.
I.  One pack?  Who told you that?  ( back pedal,  back pedal)
 Them:  Yea,  you're addicted!  Me:  well,  I .
 I haven't smoked in like two months Them:  Have you ever smoked Mary Jane?  Me:  well. yea.  Them:
 ( Gasp,  Shock,  Gasp!  Me:  I.
I only did it once ( lie)  and well.  Them:  Mad chaos Me:  if everyone just quiets down I will tell you about it.
 ( mistake five:  your going to get fired)  Them:  That's illegal,  you're like a criminal Me:
 Well.  I. Um. I dont know about that Them:  ( a million questions at once)
 how did it taste?  What was it like?  How much was it?  Me:  Okay,  everybody in your seats,
 now!  I'm putting some names on the board.  Uhm.  Okay.  Well,  dont' go home and tell your parents that a drug addict taught your class.
 Them:  ( smartass boy shouts)  I'm telling my mom tonight that we had a drug addict for a teacher!  Conclusions:  1.
 I'm a poor disciplinarian 2.  I'm an even worse role model 3.  I'll most likely need another job by next week 
