  Things you have to believe to be a Republican today: &nbsp; Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
&nbsp; Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony. &nbsp; The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq. &nbsp; A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation. &nbsp; Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. &nbsp; The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay. &nbsp; If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. &nbsp; A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money. &nbsp; Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.&nbsp; Providing health care to all Americans is socialism. &nbsp; HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart. &nbsp; Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
&nbsp; A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.&nbsp; A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy. &nbsp; Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet. &nbsp; The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business. &nbsp; Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host.
Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery. &nbsp; You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt. &nbsp; What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant. 
