  White Oleander I watched white oleander, just because of alsion lohman. Ok I don’t know if the movie was good cause I liked her but I really liked how it was made and played out. I wish my bro could get a chick like her. I mean reading her bio… she would be his type. Its like him… a prodigy and one who made it all her own. Its funny how it got me thinking and how my art was influenced.
I know that the artist was someone else but the artist was roughly my age or alison’s age. I want to say I draw as well but don’t find the time to. I think I will take my sweet time before I get a job. Relearn my art and make stuff. I’m working on several images right now that I have a personal and intimate connection to. The only time I draw like that is when I am in love BUT my current crush is un-attainable so I don’t know where it is coming from.
Loneliness is the Human Condition… well if you are not strong… Not that I am. What the fuck am I calling myself that in the firstplace. Its just that its my business and I guard against giving into to it. Thoughts I wish I got my act together sooner. I wish I quit school earlier and became an artist. I wish I was a father at 18… I don’t care if I didn’t have a wife or mother for the kid… I want to devout my existence away from my self cause I was just so used to it back at high school.
When you forget yourself in helping others is the best escape… like sex you fulfill an instinct that ensures the survival of the species. But I must be destined for greater things if I did not fall into that niche. Its harder to do whats painfully right and what may seem so wrong but is the truth you desperately need. My age scares me… I should have accomplished something by now. But I wont be able to. It’s ok, not like I’m genetic material to be continued into the next generation.
But the way I know I will roll a 20 I know I am going to kick ass… I might be Justinian’s age by that time that happens. Though… or maybe I’m kicking ass now but don’t know it. Unknownst to RJ I had a huge crush on marga tuazon. Not that I could escape from being paralyzing shy at the time or I lived in san juan so I can’t meet people who all lived in alabang. I got over her, and the girls like her. I guess growing up meant that it was an illusion… everything I felt despite how pure and true it might have seemed.
But doesn’t that discount that I could feel real love or inspiration. I was watching a movie on the laptop on the way to pick up henry, Dangerous!? Heck yeah! But I told myself, watched when you find yourself staring into halted traffic and listen for the cars. It worked. Survival Instinct It might be sudden but I realized that those who survive battles aren’t great fighters because they lucky enough to live that long but because they can wrest control of the situation.
An instinct that arrives from hardship. I think I have it… or what would become it… Knowing this puts me at my fantasy about swords and living on the edge of combat. Its that aggressive intinct that you cannot die… not just yet. When life and death comes up the only thought that goes through my mind is that I don’t want to be remembered this way. Tomorrow I should be awake by 8:00 to drop off my shoes at mr quicky. I hope I wake up in time… then I plan to go to sleep after getting home and breakfast.
Soccer I kicked ass in soccer. Tactically I was the bomb. I knew how to predict the movement and defend with the least effort 7 out of 10 stars (he he). I made the sweetest cross, the cross went between the legs of two defenders at full running speed with only my peripheral vision and the goal was just too easy. I’m playing tomorrow. Too bad I can’t see nikki for soccer.
Maybe I’ll just ask her… that wouldn’t be so hard. A first date. PEEVE Chez wrote to me apologizing for not replying and giving me an escuse that her comp was being formatted. Funny, cause she uses the schools computers. I know when I’m not wanted… she could have contacted me by phone since I gave her my number or rented a computer. I assume she realize what she was getting into and bailed out.
I wish i never asked her out, how embarassing. Here i celebrated for nothing. Sheesh I’m not some baby or some helpless dolt- rejection is nothing to me. If she wanted to tell me that shes busy she did not need to make an elaborate excuse. I was a student to a great observer and I know when shit is flung at me. I’m just irritated how sometimes my defenses eventually brake down and try to see if they changed or will be more open minded.
FAT lot that kind of optimism does. I’ve gotten to a point that I’m almost bulletproof. It was always in my prayers before that I grow this hide and it did come true (actually everything I prayed for came true). I’m there person to be with if your heart is broken cause I would know the cure… a lot of fun and my inspiring words. Yes 2 witnesses to this unusual ability was RJ and Ton2. I don’t know why but I have that kind of gift… not that it gets girls or something to make money out off but I guess it was imparted to me because of all the effort people there who gave to be there for me when I was so down.
Like the way magical abilities were acquired in shanara, after a lot of exposure and sacrifice I gained this. Cool, now I wish I had a twin to be able to share the power and make it go back and forth. If in know I’m not wanted I just stop contact. That simple, it was like that with chez, with joy, and with grace. I just disappeared, a magic trick I learned from confronting fred and learning the ulterior motives of JV, Adrian, Nabs, and Tommy (and their ilk, thanks pat). Cut all communications and act like nothing happened.
That way I can maintain some civility when I do see them… act plastic by acting glad and starting flattering conversation then leaving with no means to contact. I guess that is mean… but I can take it from some people than I’m sure as hell they can take it from me. Peeve #2 I hate it when women don’t eat on dates (like in something gotta give). A healthy appetite is not a turn off. Sorry **** its just a peeve, It makes me conscious of how much I’m eating… that’s why I paid most of the bill… but its no biggie. I mean your on a diet and I respect that, I just wish there was another way for me to eat like a horse (cause like a pig would mean I’m out of shape) and a date to eat as little as she can.
I’m a hedonistic shit. Life is too short for pain in suffering when I’m supposed to be having the time of my life. I’m Drawing again I realized my talent is simply my mind. I’m an artist because of it simply cause I chose it as a path. I also realized if I applied my self in another field I won’t have the freedom I need to be able to reach more people with what I can do. Stories (just personal notes for my setting and jabber jabber jabber) I have a portrait of the emperor in full armor, wounded in battle kneeling by his dead Empress Elana.
In the scene she had died and shriveled away and in her arms she carries a baby. She was kidnapped a year and a half ago along with his son (not of her’s). She died on a hay bed as she let the two children lie with her. The emperor is down on his knees holder her hand. The emperor came into power because of her… like joan of arc she was a peasant girl who had a power to win the battles for her king. Her loyal body guard was the emperor-to-be acquired the position out of popularity and had no real talent except to be terribly polite, nice and friendly.
Other warriors considered him a wuss but he got better as their criticism fell on his ears and the Elana was captured with him. He was a popular figure and had a son at 18 who he was a very good father to (put in 100% every time he was there- he was more patient and understanding with kids than adults). When the king failed to rescue them he brought her back his friend’s help and they lead a coup and he won the throne by default (being the lesser evil). He married the joan of arc and ruled as king and queen even as times were turbulent. She was kidnapped a week later along with his son who she adopted as her own. After she died the emperor became extremely vengeful and bitter.
He then began exploiting the advantages he once found too “evil” to use. He created a secret police (which later on his son: the nameless or xon would lead at 18), he freed the undead lord Crinnian and bound their fates intertwined so he cannot betray him. He then used all his politics to crush all bordering nations and let all the wealth, opportunity and education fall into the hands of his empire… then naming it after his deceased wife. He has two sons, itself a story of its own. One is his father’s will (the first one and having been old enough to know Elana over his Ramwren and full well what his father fights for) and the second son named Ramwren who is a prince of high ideals and tragedy as the emperor named him his heir (even when he is not of blood but because he was Elana’s blood) and all the concubines (all powerfull ladies who are regents of each realm the emperor has conquered) try to use assassins and spies to kill him or destroy his chances of ascending. His older brother (who appears to him as an brotherly servant of his father named Allen) teaches him his craft (being a master manipulator).
Ramwren was half raised by his uncle the emperor’s brother and spiritual and martial leader of the empire (the emperor killed the pope and put his brother in his place who happened to be a general of his army… he made the church of the defender… aimed to protect the people and ensure freedom “we are here to ensure the freedom of our people at the cost of our own” a super elite military order of knights ironically called the Blackgaurds). So he has the honesty and integrity of his uncle (who hated the idea of pope at first embraced the role as his power to protect and defend greatened with it). In this empire the secret police is the most powerful force that protects it. Adventurers are it’s agents (they go places, approach and solve problems and risk it all for ideals-the loyal agents and sometimes money-the pawns) The realm’s greatest assassin is dynare an Anari (like elves crossed with junkies-depressed and wired in a way no one understands them). There is an urden (spirit and appearance of dwarves and genius of gnomes) who calls himself Moradin God of the Urden. There are wanderer warriors called the Vald (shanara’s rovers and scots to get the idea, but with a curse they turn to Horren(orc-lke brutes) if they fall below their warrior’s: that’s why they almost never live long enough to get old). 
