  PAINS I saw chez today… from a distance. I know she avoids me… but its not like I ever did something to be considered the plague. I mean, I said I liked her in the most childish and stupid way but I don’t think I could be considered dangerous. Immature maybe but not dangerous. I guess this is why I don’t care anymore. I told myself once this is my last chance. I was stir crazy about a girl and it seems like it was ages ago. At least now in the way I live my life it wouldn’t matter if I was a geek or nerd.
I’m with my friends and family. You don’t hear that come from my mouth often. Guys like me have a hard time from distinguishing when we’re cared about… especially when we’re coming from a rebellious adolescence and we can’t help ourselves. As an adult I can now see what is more important and how much more unreal romance is. As a guy who is 25 my opinion of love is that it only happens when your young. And when it does happen it can last the rest of your life. Unfortunately not everyone can find reciprocated love in their teens.
And the rest of the world have to deal with being disillusioned and pained… Of course that’s until they grow up and have other people to care about to make them happy. I can easily put into words why I want to have a kid of my own. If you don’t give a mushy sentiment about it… I can say a kid of my own is a measure of how mature, understanding and patient I have grown through the years. A child will reflect the best of me, by how much I can do to help him grow and become ready for the world. I’ve learned not to expect anything else from him except that he would have the values and principles I hold… and he should show me when I’m beginning to be lax in them. It’s a child’s rejuvenated mind which can help us relearn the ideals we lost when we put away our innocence.
FEAR I felt fear grip me the first time in a long time. Fear if I should go to her and say hi and see for myself everything is all right. I was afraid of her, when I’d walk alone in the dangerous places, leave my wounds untended, and have no fear of jumping of heights that daze me. As a teenager I though I was invincible. I guess I was. I can walk off falling off my height when I made a bicycle kick, I had a new wound twice a week from rough sports and rowdiness.
Now, I can feel my back give, I get rashes from something I don’t know what, I can’t beat a bunch of old timers in soccer. When I choose to love life… I gained the fear of it all. When I chose to forsake Religion, I doubt I will ever reach heaven. Being older I forget why I changed the way I did. HABITS I sleep 8 solid hours everyday. But I sleep at around 3… leaving me to wake at around 11:30… and still terribly sleepy.
I get up and turn the computer on to see the latest comic. I try to remember what I am supposed to do while I fiddle with creatures I am planning to use on my players. GAME yesterday Well I was the most somber GM they had. They are not used to weak characters. They can’t help make jokes… thankfully they were too corny for me to laugh at and encourage the disruption. I like my adventures dark… heroic and neigh impossible. Its just what the doctor ordered. Beating the odds with an ugly stick is something I live for.
When I give the players this chance… it is this chance they will face their dreams or nightmares on a battlefield where they will live or die.. both a reward. They were all playing unoriginal characters… all except nico. I was hoping they put more effort in it. I am pretty good as a GM and I feel like I deserve something better than that. Well I hope the gamers on Saturday will be easier to enthrall 
