  THOUGHTS I was about to go to sleep when the thoughts of crushes past came up to haunt me. I don’t know how much of the people out there think of those they wished that could have loved them before they close their eyes and let the sandman work his magic. I don’t know if it is a good thing or a bad thing to think of these things every night before I sleep. A comforting thought is the best thought to have in one’s mind before they would close their eyes on the world they may never wake up to. I know how much a pussy and a whiner I am. That’s why I write in this journal. I know well enough to leave somethings to myself and not bother people with it.
Well getting back to the thought… I remember the only time someone accepted my flaws. It’s weird when you’re goofy, klutzy and absentminded all at the same time. You’re a cartoon character that doesn’t happen to be cute or in the least marketable. I remember it… and it was a comforting thought to have before I go to sleep.
It’s a thought I don’t want to forget as well, hence me writing about it now. I remember it … and that’s all its going to be… just a memory. Of course the nut kicker of the whole episode about remembering when that happened is that it was a dream. Yep it was just a dream. What I realize between being awake and being asleep is that (other than the obvious) reality has less limits. Yes I said it correctly… that it does have less limits. I limit myself and that what limits my dreams. Despite how wonderful the dream I had was… it will always be a dream that will never be greater than a short experience unresolved or explored. In reality… you can delve and find more things about it than you could possibly imagine. She accepted me… teased me but accepted me even if I was clumsy and a bit stiff and rigid. Its funny how I walk… I’m all strait and upright, posture correct with no sense of confidence, just a guard to have on all the time.
Afraid to trip and make myself look stupid again and again. I had enough in my early years of college. I smiled… I mean. I found a way for me to smile for no apparent reason. Just like the way someone would just smile stupidly at something. The girl in my dream hugged me and I blushed and trembled… which was so unmanly. I tried to look calm and composed but that feeling of her hugging me is still there. A tingling in the back of my neck. Slowly … it gives me the comfort that I’ve been looking for despite all the shit I’ve been through. It also comes at the time my mettle will be tested and I might not comeback from. But since the girl I had in my dream was just an old crush… I guess some one out there is taking it easy on me. CONVERSATION I realize how much I follow the rule: “don’t do what you would want to be done to you…”. The reason I don’t give chase to the many crushes I’ve had is cause I’m a selfish enough bastard not to give myself a chance anyway. I know the standards of the girls I liked to well. In high school my biggest crush (at 4th year) was the most gorgeous girl in the Christmas play.
When you are simple you cannot heed the advice of “never letting your sights to high”. So a girl I went gaga for had all these great looking (and really nice) guys for the picking and I had nothing to offer on the table flat out. Its things like this that make me remember why I don’t want a relationship. The fact that there has to be something on the table from me or her. Its also the fact that back I have issues about good looking girls and I can’t talk to them. I can now but that’s on crumbling foundations. I wasn’t made to be in a relationship. My last two made that clear. Although dreams like those seem to sustain me in a way.
There is the matter that I don’t think I can contribute genetically. And even if I would… I would have to be with well… someone who can pass on something very lasting to the next generation. I have to admit, that’s what attracted me to the last crush I had. She was so intelligent, cunning and she looked great. Not to mention I decided of giving it all another try and going for broke. Of course when you charge head on to a woman who didn’t know if you were alive or dead… and didn’t even as much care to notice was a big bad mistake. I had to put on all the humor for one night with her… I swear I used up all my good ones just to make her laugh. After being spent… I guess there really wasn’t anything I can do to keep her… in short of groveling. And I knew and she knew despite it was something tempting it was an option that shouldn’t be explored. … sigh… DREAMS I dreamed melchior ended up with Fiona. I was so happy. There was a wedding and all and me and gaspar were involved with helping them get hitched. Nephews… a lot of nephews. I would just be really happy once one of us get hitched… I just hope its someone who can stand close uncles.
Although the dream really showed me how committed I am in not screwing someone else’s life. Its also the fact that melchior is the most optimistic of all three of us and would have the best chances of getting a girl and a happy family. And melchior wouldn’t worry about his height cause… its not genetic. He was supposed to be heck taller than me but it was something to do with his child hood lack of nourishment.
Me and gaspar are the same height… Melchior would at least be ours and if things went that way… we would look too much alike. The only thing that would separate us is the age difference which becomes unnoticeable as we grow older. Heck people mistake that gaspar is older than me. Parting thought: at 24 i think that the next 50 years can be happy without some one other than close friends to share it with.
At 24 ive met alot of girls and wooed some of them to no avail while learning that the person who can tolerate me is a dream... My dream girl. I understand now that there realy isnt anyone for me. By May i'll be in the states... F. was like the last girl i felt realy strongly for. She was almost perfect and almost accepted me... (well in my fantastic imagination) i've gotten used to seeing women not anymore as the other half of a whole men ache for and see them as... but a symbol of something i should learn to live without. Buster said that I have a dented knight in buffed up old armor sydrome... Was i born in the wrong age? ...and the weak is weeded out for the stock... humanity is stronger for the sacrifice... 
