  MOVIES: I watched hell boy and it was fine. I mean I wish there was more. There was something like a feeling that there could have been more or maybe it was my own feeling that I wanted to know more. Hellboy is quite a character. I remember someone telling me he was a kick ass hero and I asked what he does. When he told me he had a stone hand and he broke his horns off I threw it off as a joke. Watching the movie and seeing what was put to make the character so real and so original was inspirational. Hellboy is a pretty good character, I wish that the first thing people would tell me about hellboy would have been: “He has a long and interesting story to follow” then I would have not brushed it off. GURPS: I want gurps 4th ed NOW!!! I’m so happy I didn’t buy the 3rd ed hardbound book when I was back at NJ. I mean, my heart would have sunk pitching $30+ dollars into something that would be obsolete with in the year just to replace my torn and scrapped GURPS book.
I wish I had a printer. I’m running an adventure using gurps… for my little sister. I wish I could print out the characters and have a monster manual handy. Actually I wish there was an equivalent of a monster manual and DMG for gurps. Putting all the creatures in one place and samples of human templates from mundane character to heroic. That’s what I wish gurps did… it would follow what it said about mundanes and heroic characters… it would make those kinds of NPC appropriate to their “importance”.
The GAME: I’m using a solo adventure where Candy can fall back to her older brothers if she makes too many mistakes. The way it is in real life… family is there to help you get your wings. Pet Peeves: (JUST RANTS NOT IMPORTANT) I hate how I’m conditioned to be bitter, mean, and sarcastic… given my origins that I was gullible, good natured, well meaning and optimistic… This guy John Paul Cunanan: Stole my 4,000+ worth of magic cards, broke my 6,000+ camera, and left me high and dry is now asking for favors. He disappeared acting like such a jerk after using me when I was in high school. Just because I was a nice guy doesn’t mean that you can prey on me. I mean now that I’m bitter, suspicious, and very callous its hard to do whats good from my heart anymore… I hate people taking advantage of what little goodness I have left in me… I mean look at me… I can’t… feel for the girl I really like anymore. I’m having doubts, and losing hope. I feel like just throwing my future away cause the world is soo shity. I’m the man whose father marital advice was: “as you get older you learn to just bottle it all up and keep quiet!” It just plain hurts. As the time to go to the states comes closer I feel like I off to another world of failures and disappointments.
Honestly, what I would like in the states is that it is a chance for me to sink or swim. If I sink then so be it… I hope I die in some gutter and everyone forgets me. That way I won’t have too much shame. Its my chance to fail without having asked for futile help. Face it, I leaving without a degree and it is like a cancer. A huge advertisement of failure. I’ll go to the states and die… not that I’m saying this to attract attention… just getting some steam out.
I go home to work and they are using my room to iron and do some of the laundery. I can’t tell them I’m doing something important. WHO THINKS WHAT I DO IS IMPORTANT!!! I mean, I could always hear that my efforts are that of a mediocre man. That the only reason I got a better idea than the other guys is because I took my time to make it while the other guys started already. THAT SUCKS… IF I TAKE SO LONG TO MAKE A GOOD IDEA!!! THEN WHAT MAKES ME BETTER THAN THE OTHER GUY!!! I have ass kicking ideas that take sooo long to bear fruit. TOO LONG TO BEAR FRUIT!!! IF I START WORKING I END UP HATING MY DRAWINGS CAUSE I SEE A BETTER IDEA IN THE HORIZON!!! I might as well take the rest of my life to make the most awesome idea? Nope, being original is so hard when everything is done… and what counts for originally in the approach of the retelling.
AND IF IT IS TRULY ORIGINAL AND INSIGHTFULL NO ONE WILL BE THERE TO PRAISE THE GENIOUS BECAUSE IT IS SO FAR BEYOND IT’S TIME!!! Talk about shit. Bottom line… I can’t live if I have no hope. One of the reasons I took up my cross* For all those unbaptized souls who lay in limbo BECAUSE THE CHURCH SAID SO!!! For all those people who did the good from their own hearts without any call from religion or GOD. I wanted to join them… I told myself “FUCK HEAVEN” when heaven is for people who follow the WORD OF GOD!!! IF we blamed everything on the DEVIL when it was man’s own hand that killed our saviors. I prayed that the devil teach me everything he had to teach a mortal man about how fucked up man is compared to beings so perfect that their own existence is a universe on to itself (thank you Mr. Sese for teaching us Metaphysical Philosophy) OF course there was no Devil to teach me everything man should learn that the BIBLE hid from mortal ears.
There was no magic or supernatural event…. Just an ordinary life with luck for crap. “There is one guarantee… non of us will see heaven” – road to perdition I guess I put myself down since my crush won’t be available till next week and I think I’ll be too busy to ask her out. I guess its ok… not that I have a chance in heck… I see she gets hounded by a lot of guys (Which I hate… I keep thinking I’ll find girls who are unique and have really special qualities which aren’t that obvious to the greater population of guys… but its not true a lot of guys do notice) so there goes my supposedly astute perception. Well I forgot about her for a long time… 4+ months and I only remembered to check on her when I saw her and maybe enough water under the bridge for her to forget how much I liked her. DAMN guys have to act uninterested and play the game. I for one like to act like a kid and dress up nice and say I like her… yeeeeeash!!! * I promised myself that I will not ask GOD for help cause I hate fighting him (like a stupid kid) when things don’t go my way. 
