  HOW IS MY LIFE? well its ok... mom doesn’t know it that the computer scam thing was so bad. I just failed my term cause of all the work it took. I want to blow up the store so badly for what they did to my computer and no will take my word at home except my friends. I just want to leave this country cause there are no consumer protection laws. No one in the school will believe what happened to me and consider it my fault for not backing up... but selling faulty computer parts is direct sabotage... what can i do.
I want to pick my self up and move on but no one will believe me and let me go on with out a sermon to push me farther down into depression. These are the times I am not afraid to die. That living is so much more painful than it should be. That even when I am down on my luck and picking up the pieces my parents see me as a failure no matter what I do. I just want to run away sometimes. Maybe forget everything about who I was and start from scratch.
I did that when I left for UP and Left for Benilde. So I did it twice already… and I am ready to do that again. Its just that I am not a quitter… it just my parents blow out of proportion what bad things happen to me. I get up despite being wounded, despite being hurt badly and crippled and play on. The way I play soccer. And yet my parents love to put me down saying it is all such a waste.
I’m going to draw and going to do good in that seminar… Gino and I will be discovered and we will not have to endure this shit anymore. I just want a small apartment. Something I can afford with my brothers. I don’t want a house cause I don’t want to see my parents or ask help from them till I make my name. Its hard that I try to become independent stumble, and they get pissed at me. I can pick up the pieces and go on.
I can shrug the pain and keep going. EVEN IF I DID FAIL, it’s not the end of the world. I see beauty in imperfection and beauty of growing up despite difficulty. My parents do to but they do not see that I don’t need this safety harness they have on me. They forget that all I want is to sink or swim. It’s the best end for me, If I die by my own weakness the world is a better place and I don’t have to worry anymore the way my mom taught me how to worry my life away.
I just want to live. Make some comics, some books and be happy with out having to be successful. Anyway If I was meant to be successful then I would not have had this kind of life. The most kick ass people in this world don’t even care about the most important things. I think about The most powerful people who are the most kind and insightful… they don’t care about the rest of the world. If they think that most of the resources of the world is needed to make them happy… and sharing it will not then I guess we never left the dark ages.
A friend said that dying for a cause was selfish. That death was an easy way out. You can’t say that to me… because living in complacency is much worse… like a cancer that slowly eats at one’s soul. It is so much better to die for a cause… even if it was the simple cause of living one’s own life despite how imperfect and stupid he may be. PERCEPTIONS I always prayed that I loose my… well those who knew me in my early college days know how much I lived for sex. I woke up everyday to sex morning and evening.
I bragged about it, and craved for it despite getting some everyday… I kept praying that god neuter my mind. And he did. I got what I prayed for… Now I pray for that my parents understand and let me suffer my own mistakes and let me go out of the world with no lecture and no sermon. I am a good person… just don’t ruin it for me. America, the land of opportunity. I am as good as a lot of other artists out there.
I have also suffered as much as the really good ones and I have a unique perspective to give for the world at large. I hate my country. I love the Idea, the History and the heroes. They were great men and women.. but the generation after them had no balls. No one will kick the ass of these mud-slinging hypocrites and seize the power to change and turn this power around. FPJ would only be the best candidate if he were the puppet of a greater power not ACTOR/POLITICIANS who will use him to pay the bill.
So far I have not seen any proof that Arnis is as good as it claims as an art of swordsmanship. All evidence of 2-weapon fighting began only when the Spanish arrived. I need to see clearer proof other than just claims. The only other swordsmen I know that can kick ass are the Vikings and the Japanese. Fighting without armor but with weapons that can penetrate armor puts them in the highest mark in my opinion of swordsmanship. Vikings despite not being organized were a free people and spirit.
They’re warrior culture allowed them to developed steel blades before some swordwielding culture of today ever knew of bronze. Anyway I will going back to drawing. 
