  Ok i'm back from watching return of the king... Its all i've been waiting for for the longest time... and i've now watched it and i... just feel empty.
I watched it... and i got what i wanted its just ... that maybe it wasn't what i wanted. Ok... a little secret... when i first had sex.... I didn't like it. I just kept doing it till i learned to like it. Its just so many people said it was that good that i thought it was all and everything. I had more fun in the pre-sex activity than i ever had with sex. The pent up frustration was exhilirating and i walked around with a smile on my face all the time.
I guess it repeats the saying that we don't know what we realy want. Looking around here in the foreign land that will be my home after may. I just can't believe the opportunity it gives me compared to back home. Back home, there is no place for me as an artist. I guess i can pretty much say that I don't fit in with the needs the my motherland has right now. They don't need another artist to feed. Here I can be an artist and still be able to feed myself. Since the standard of living is lower relative to how much people here earn... I can still improve in the other stuff that won't get me money... like my art. everytime my officemates and my boss asks me what i really want... i end up dumbfounded i want to master my native swordsmanships style, get tattoes of ancient alibata saying something that really speak about me, i wan't to buff up cause i don't want to grow into a frail old man, i want to create a ton of art to vent my passions, and i want a chance to really live and carve out my own life without the restriction of poverty.
Even with these wants... i know they will change and they will differ as time goes bye. I just hope i will still be what i really fight really hard to see myself as. I can't wait to start working. I can't wait to do things at my own time and with not so many distractions. I've been held back because of my inability to embrace life as is. I keep needing things to do and fullfill. I know they come from the lack of accomplishment in the eyes of my own insecurites. I've told myself... if i can be good enough with my swordsmanship as that would be expected of a bagani, hone my skills as an artist and produce works to express myself unbriddled , and leave a mark behind... i guess i can really find happiness. Although, i feel bitter about the fact that i could not do this in the philippines. I wish i would have the power to change things.... unfortunately... an actor, with no experience with politics, no degree with law or economics, no experience in leadership... has the best chances of winning the elections.
oh well i hope to get back to work on my thesis while i'm here. I already bought most of my x-mass gifts and have a special gift that the guys know is out of print and hard to find... big supprise! Oh well... i just hope i can finish my work while i'm here. 
