  I’m listening to Sarah Mclachlan and it feels like when I first listened to Beverly Craven when I was at first year highschool. I used to listen to her while the sun set in southridge. The sky was glazed with orange and deep red that spilled to dark the easter horizon. Alabang didn’t have so many high rise buildings and it’s horizon was beautiful and unlimited... just like here in the states. I just look and find myself looking at a 360 degree horizon. the buildings are so low and gives way for your vision to see all that is around you.
Mel got me the CD and I am REALLY Grateful!!! The world is fading for me. As things begin their stark change to something else I find myself seeing another story unfold before me. Damn it woman... If I could only find you... My dreams strangle me... it’s a strange sensation... I feel like reality is shifting and I will be turning into something I did not expect.
The blast of hot water is help to shake me from my perpetual irritation and annoyance. I feel like I’m someone else. Dreams are firghtening me because of the content i see myself doing. I see myself desperate and unclean. Then the dreams that calm me after calling out to her. I sleep and dream of losing myself in the forests of New Jersey, with my hunting knife and my survival skills.
I keep dreaming of coming out of the Ice cold water reborn in some way. Older, more scarred, with eyes that have a bitter freezing light indescribable conflict. I see my grayed hairs that try to grow on my shaved head. My flat featured face, white from the cold and full of healed scars. Water dripping from my face and thinned lips. I’m an old man, happy yet still alone and searching.
Looking into myself I see a lot of growing up still for me to go through while a part of me, the boy adventurer is still young. Every time I see an American public highschool I secretly wish I had a chance to have a chance to grow up around “normal” social conditions. Hearing Sarah’s voice, a sustaining image of what she could sound like sets in my mind. Seeing past crushes and women I admired but never saw me carves an image in my head. A voice and a face... she is with me in my dreams. I feel like settling done with my fantasy.
I’m more optimistic, maybe I’ll meet her. Even if I never will, this fantasy is so real I may never see past it. I may never wake up to see it... for all I know I’m already dead and this is a dream... I can feel her before I go to sleep. She is not waiting for me... she is living. That life she exudes is what I feel.
She may be happy with someone else... she may be somewhere I missed. She may be loving someone so much I can find comfort in her happiness and security. Sara... damn... I should draw you for my book as my heroine. I used to draw Chez as a character in my story... she plays the love interest who doesn’t love my character at all. Why play a woman that way in my own fantasy, its because the fantasy is doing what he does for her.
In the story Tadeo... is hopelessly trying to make up to all the sins he committed to her(not that I have any to chez... its just that I feel incredibly guilty around women.. Figure?!). His uncle Nicolas acts as his priest handing out his penance. Sending him to places where he watches his uncles enemies indulge in and rape the land he was born. An irony. He watches the abuse fall on strangers he has no connection to.
Driving a sense of guilt so heavy and terrible that it drives him crazy. Tadeo is suicidal and has scars to show all the crazy risks he has put himself in just to run away from having to answer for his actions. He slowly becomes blindly righteous annoying the hell out off everyone close to him. Erratic and spiraling out of control... he should be dead but he pulled off things no one could ever believe. Feats of combat ability that is the stuff of legends (by real world standards). “ Why don’t you kill me and end my misery... or you can just die and add to my guilt.
Either way I have the better deal” -Tadeo Tadeo is about what I believe in love that enough of it gets around that even if you think your not loved... you are. He kept thinking he deserved the pain and guilt his uncle was giving him, only until his uncle dies does he reaching the breaking point where he completely remembers all the people he cares about that he has turned aside to go on his needless penance. I should have Sarah in my art. Good thing there is a good picture of her in the album. Its only when I get into ten minutes under the hot shower set at the temperature I used to have my hot chocolate. Its when the blood rushes to your head and the pain of waking up without someone romantically attached to or in mind you struggle to leave that dream and address the reality you have to deal with first before you can go back to sleep the night to come.
It’s a new year before I right another one. I’ve been righting this blog for about 3 months now. AMAZINGLY with consistence, never going less than 3x a week to as much as everyday. New year resolutions... I’ll continue to be the nice guy... even if I never meet her. I will never pass up being a father and trying my hand out with a family. Hopefully I can meet someone who is interested for a short run of 20 years if I never meet her so that I can raise my boy.
I guess the resolution is that I do what I do and try to be a nicer guy. Now that I will be working and more irritable... that I guess is a good choice of resolutions. 
