  I was just going to make a small comment on one of the boards, but I want to get this down so I can just recall it every time it comes up in conversation. Here goes… Mission: Impossible 2 is just a piss poor film made for the soul purpose of giving Tom Cruise something to wank over while he’s waiting for his new mirror to be delivered because the old one is useless due to the layers of dried spunk on it. It should have ruled. The first film is pretty good, with nice, logical action, a tight plot and a great cast. Then we hear John Woo will direct the second film. Fucking A. However, this just became one of the most tedious films (apart from, of course, that of Cruise abomination, Eyes Wide Shut) I have ever sat through. Here are my issues: It’s not Mission: Impossible M:I, the original series and film, were based around a group of agents who used their skills to perfection to carry off a mission, like in Ocean’s Eleven, but smoother. For this mission to stop a deadly virus that could wipe out millions, they send Tom for disguises, Ving Rhames (who has no other role than drive a copter and go “Yessum, Mastah Tom” when required), a hacker and a non-agent midget thief. If this guy was a real threat, send in a fucking huge team with useful skills and a decent plan.
The job is to stop him getting the virus – WHY NOT SHOOT THE CUNT IN THE HEAD?! Tom Cruise: Action Wank William Shatner directed Star Trek 5, a film that is constantly ridiculed due to him adding a scene where Shatner climbs a cliff for no reason than to show that he is a manly man’s man. So, of course, the best idea is to resurrect this scene at the very beginning of this film. Why is he climbing the cliff? To show what a manly man’s man Tom Cruise is, that’s why. And how come Ethan Hunt has decided the best way to twat people is not his fast, hard, no thrills method, as in the first film, but now goes for spin kicks and ridiculous jumps?
Because it shows what a manly man Tom Cruise is. He’s not gay, y’know. That fucking fight at the end with the motor bike was stupid, pointless and incredibly pedestrian for a Woo finale, but hey, didn’t Tom look good. The Cast. Jesus. Thandie Newton was cast for no other reason than she is 4ft 10in, making Tom Cruise look like The Big Show in comparison. Notice she’s never had a success since? And how I praise The Lord that Dougray Scott ripped his knee in a manly man’s man fight scene so he had to give up the Wolverine role.
This is the blandest cast ever assembled for an action film. Except, of course, for Anthony Hopkins, who is in it for about 5 mins (and technically shouldn’t be in it at all, because M:I operatives never meet their bosses). Plot? We Don’t Need No Stinking Plot! Q: Why did Dougray leave the agency and turn evil? How does he know of this virus that a top intelligence agency has never heard of? Why did Thandie leave him? Why do they need ‘top thief’ Thandie, when she does a basic steal that manly man’s man Tom could have done?
How can an international jewel thief screw two agents without being investigated and captured? And why is Thandie so moralistic for a thief? Why does the top manliest agent in IM keep making stupid mistakes that keep endangering the missing? A: Erm, well… Hey, Tom did his own stunts! What a man! He didn’t shag that gay porn star, you know. Basically, it’s a shit action film, but because we see “CRUISE” in big letters on the poster instead of Wahlberg or Statham, we’re expected to go ga-ga for it. 
