  Hi, A-MOL Hi, how are you? You look good. Lost weight? Yeah, yeah, shut up. What's the major announcement? What, you don't want me to talk about my love of Alan Smith and how right I was about Wes Brown or how shit Liverpool and Tottenham are?
Nah, sod that. No-one cares about football. More badly-Paintshopped pictures, then? Oi, twat! Come on! Well, I wasn't going to tell you until after Titch's wedding, so I don't know if I should.
Right, since we're having this conversation, you're going to tell us know, aren't you. Well, okay. But if you're first name is Dan, you probably know anyway. No, I'm the other reader of this site. Tell me. Okay.
I'm going to be an uncle. Dude! I know. Debra? No, don't be daft. It's Joanne.
Wow. How far gone? 20 weeks. She's halfway through. Shit! You've known for a while then?
Nope. Last week. She only found out the week before, because her doctor missed it and she 'passed' a chemist-bought test. 20 weeks, halfway through... If I do my maths... It's a couple of weeks after the wedding she's due.
So, she's going to be huge for the wedding? Of course. We'd hate it if I got attention for one day, wouldn't we. Wow. Who's the daddy? Some guy from her university.
She met up with him at an old boys weekend. Dude! I know. So, are we happy? I'm actually looking forward to it now after the initial shock. I'll let my parents worry.
Wow. So why didn't you tell me before? Because Vicki Hinchcliffe didn't know and Jo didn't want her to find out through Titch. Plus, I didn't want to distract people from the wedding, but since quite a few people know now, I might as well tell everyone. I have shitloads of baby stuff. Does she want to borrow some?
Jo's really funny about this kind of thing. She wants all new stuff, so thanks for the offer, but no, thanks. Besides, all the new stuff will reduce the cost for the future A-MOL Jr. Well, thanks for letting us know. Not a problem. Are you going to continue the conversation in the Comments Board below? Nah, fuck that.
I can hardly be arsed to look at the site usually. I know, you lazy twat. Are you ever going to review Gigli like you said? Patience, grasshopper. Patience. EDIT: Wait, I have more questions!
Come on, then. Who am I? What? Who's asking the questions your answering? Oh, it's a generic, imagined reader of the site. There are quite a few of them.
Okay. Well, how come that tosspot Wragg found out before me? Right, this ain't my fault. I agreed not to tell me friends, but TFMrs went shopping with TFMrs. Wragg and less than 24 hours after finding out, decided to share the news. She came home and promptly told me this with the little cavaet "Don't worry - she won't tell anyone".
Now, I found it a tad bizarre and downright unsettling that Pops knew but Danny did not. I felt I had to put the situation right. Well, why did that unfaithful piece of shit Lloyd find out before me? He's in Korea. He's almost as imaginary as you. I thought he would be unlikely to tell anyone.
Happy now. Kind of. Do you think I, the imaginary reader, may return for future articles when you need to explain a situation? Maybe. I kind of like it. It reminds of the Pass-Notes column in The Guardian.
Cool. See you then. Goodbye. 
