  My Wedding Report By Usher Raymond "What up, homies. It's me, Usher, bringing you all the dirt from my man A-MOL's wedding day (but not wedding night, I'm saving that shit for my next album). Now, you may be askin', what was a world-famous R'n'B icon such as myself doing at the wedding of a soon-to-be tax dodger?
Well, I'll tell y'all. "There I was, "chillin" one sunny day in my Bevelry Hills "crib", sipping some "crystal" with my "peeps", when I got a phone call. It was that Kelly Rowland, calling for about the 300th time that week, begging me to do a duet with her. She was like "Usher, you gotta help me. I'm third on the bill behind Busted and that tramp from S Club on next week's CDUK". I was like, "Damn, bitch! Take a look at yourself! Did Aretha Franklin ever work with Andrew Ridgely? Hell no!". Anyway, that's when all this stalkin' shit started and I needed to haul ass outta there. So I chose the sleepiest, quietest place I could find. A place where a brother can't even catch a train on Sundays, cuz there ain't none runnin'. I'm talkin' bout Spalding. "Long story short, I was chillin' in Spalding when I kept hearing this "Usher" talk, which led me here: "There's the best man. I heard he's so devoted to his woman, he didn't even set foot in the lap dancing club on A-MOL's stag night, let alone complain that his "knee" smelt of "minge".
Now that's exactly the kind of devotion I'm singing about in my new single, available in all good Woolworth's, priced 2.99. Buy it, homies, unless you want to see me singing for food stamps with Jennifer Elliston in 3 month's time. "Notice my main man's evil grin in this picture. First I thought it was just the sun in his face, but then I found he'd stolen all the "blunts" and "forties" from out the back of my "ride", then given them to his friends, as this next picture proves.
"That's some messed-up shit, fo' real. "Didn't mean to upstage the bride and groom, but what can I say, I love being the centre of attention. Jarratt got pissed off with me because I scratched his "ride" with my "rocks", but I just reminded him of the time he almost ruined my career. You know the Coke ad when I walk on the bus singing about Coke in my award-winning voice that makes "bitches" go wild? Well, Jarratt suggested that instead of that, I should just lean against a radiator in a school cafeteria, wearing a big daft jumper and complaining about girls.
Crazy fool, as my brother Mr T. might say. "So, at the reception they had me perform a short set, so I sang "You Make Me Wanna", which as you all know was my international breakthrough hit, and "Yeah! ", which is one of this year's biggest songs. Worldwide. But, wouldn't ya know, these small town folk can't handle it when I enter the "erection section". Just look at Dave Benson, the randy bastard. He's making Dan Wragg look all embarrassed. So, I stopped after 2 songs, and they put some drunken Irish shit on instead.
"Right, I'm off to meet Method Man and Lil' Kim for a swift pint of Hennessey. But here's some more quality photos that my man Dan Lloyd, aka Usher #3, took. I'm sure you'll agree, they are great. Peace out, homies". Arty. Me and Andy J, who went on to play drums for the Irish band. "Who'd play you in the film? " "Steven Seagal. Or Titchie. They're the only ones. They've got the hand speed" Mole, running about the place like a mad bastard.
Shortly after, he tried to attach his mother's flowers on to his suit. Seriously. Come to Spalding, where the trees are green, the rowers are plentiful, and the trains don't run. Strangers don't like it when you turn around and take pictures of them. 
