  Trying to sort out various bits and pieces for the wedding ( lads,  we need to get talking about what we're wearing and hotel rooms)  we decided to sort out stuff for the ceremony.  We've decided on the music TFMrs wants for entrance /  exit and the hymns that we want to be sung.
 The only thing we're missing is the readings.  There are two types of readings -  * Non -  Religious One By this,  I mean like at Titch's with his sister reading a bit of Captain Correlli's Mandalin.
 The problem is finding such a passage.  I've had no ideas,  though I did look through High Fidelity by Nick Hornby,  convinced there was a bit later on it where he talked about why he and his bird were staying together in that.  If we can't find anything,  it's fine -
 it's not required.  * A Bible Passage Remember at primary school where you were given times to go read a book from a selection in the classroom.  As I am a pretty quick reader,  I picked up the only book I hadn't read -  The Bible.
 So,  there I sat as a 10 year old for the next few weeks reading it -  which I think simultaneously impressed and scared Mrs Colley,  my teacher.  She came over to me once and asked what I thought about it.  I came up with some guff about how it was inspiring and good to learn more about Christianity,
 which to be fair,  it was,  but in a different way to what she thought ( saying that,  I AM a reverend)  The Bible is a collection of writings of a bunch of dead nutters who died thousands of years ago which have been editted throughout time (
wording altered,  whole passages just removed)  to fit their whims.  So,  last night,  I had a look through suggested passages and tried to find one.
 It proved to me what I knew anyway.  NO- ONE KNOWS WHAT THE BIBLE IS GOING ON ABOUT You look at these passages in Corinthians and Genesis that people have suggested are romantic.  What they forget to do is read AROUND the selected passages.  Most of the verses about the love between man and a woman then go on and basically say " Oh,
 yeah,  by the way girls,  you're that guy's bitch now.  Do that the fuck he says or God'll come around and fucking well smite you.  I've rejected passages because they come from paragraphs that,  quite frankly,
 if someone said the same ideas in a speech in Parliment or on TV,  they would be slaughtered before you could say 'Kilroy'.  So,  at the moment,  I have no need idea what is going to be said.  =
 Other stuff in The Bible.  Yes,  I did look at Ezekiel 25: 17,  but the version my parents had isn't anyway as cool as the version Tarantino basically had.  The other point is to do with homosexuality.
 In the US,  this is a regualr hot potato,  and it became hotter recently with the gay bishop stuff.  The Christian Right usually starts quoting scripture,  in particular,  one verse in Leviticus (
can't remember where it but the text is along the lies of " You shalt not lie with a man as if he was a woman,  or you shall be put to death)  The problem is,  again,  that they are not quoting the rest of Leviticus,
 which when it comes down to it,  is a guide to life for a desert dwelling tribe who need to increase there numbers and reduce disease.  There is stuff in there about cleanliness rituals to make sure no- one eats rotten food.  I will bet you that most people who quote it do not live there life by the rest of the rules listed in there.  This point was made well,
 would you believe,  on a wrestling website when regular columnist,  urlLink Eric S.  ,  got pissed off with another site writer for quoting Leviticus.  If any one sin,
 and hear the voice of one swearing,  and is a witness either because he himself hath seen,  or is privy to it:  if he do not utter it,  he shall bear his iniquity.  Whosoever toucheth any unclean thing,
 either that which hath been killed by a beast,  or died of itself,  or any other creeping thing:  and forgetteth his uncleanness,  he is guilty,  and hath offended.
 And if he touch any thing of the uncleanness of man,  according to any uncleanness wherewith he is wont to be defiled:  and having forgotten it,  come afterwards to know it,  he shall be guilty of an offence.  The person that sweareth,
 and uttereth with his lips,  that he would do either evil or good,  and bindeth the same with an oath,  and his word:  and having forgotten it afterwards understandeth his offence,  let him do penance for his sin.
 -  Leviticus 5: 1- 5 So,  if you hear someone swearing,  you're damned.
 Whosoever shall sin,  and despising the Lord,  shall deny to his neighbour the thing delivered to his keeping,  which was committed to his trust;  or shall by force extort any thing,  or commit oppression;
 Or shall find a thing lost,  and denying it,  shall also swear falsely,  or shall do any other of the many things,  wherein men are wont to sin:  Being convicted of the offence,
 he shall restore all that he would have gotten by fraud,  in the principal,  and the fifth part besides,  to the owner,  whom he wronged.  -
 Leviticus 6: 2- 5 So,  if you borrow something from someone and forget to pay it back,  or if you find something and don't return it,  you're damned.
 Whatsoever hath the hoof divided,  and cheweth the cud among the beasts,  you shall eat.  But whatsoever cheweth indeed the cud,  and hath a hoof,  but divideth it not,
 as the camel,  and others:  that you shall not eat,  but shall reckon it among the unclean. The hare also:  for that too cheweth the cud,
 but divideth not the hoof.  And the swine,  which,  though it divideth the hoof,  cheweth not the cud.  The flesh of these you shall not eat,
 nor shall you touch their carcasses,  because they are unclean to you.  -  Leviticus 11: 3- 4,
 6- 8 So,  if you eat pork or rabbit,  you're damned.  These are the things that breed in the waters,  and which it is lawful to eat.
 All that hath fins,  and scales,  as well in the sea,  as in the rivers,  and the pools,  you shall eat.
 But whatsoever hath not fins and scales,  of those things that move and live in the waters,  shall be an abomination to you,  and detestable.  Their flesh you shall not eat:  and their carcasses you shall avoid.
 All that have not fins and scales,  in the waters,  shall be unclean.  -  Leviticus 11: 9-
12 So,  if you eat lobster or shrimp,  you're damned.  If a woman having received seed shall bear a man child,  she shall be unclean seven days,  according to the days of separation of her flowers.
 And on the eighth day the infant shall be circumcised.  But she shall remain three and thirty days in the blood of her purification.  She shall touch no holy thing:  neither shall she enter into the sanctuary,  until the days of her purification,  be fulfilled.
 -  Leviticus 12: 2- 4 So if your spouse gives birth to a boy and you touch her within a week after she gives birth,  you're damned.  And if you don't mutilate the kid eight days after birth,
 he's damned and so are you.  And if she comes to church within a month after giving birth,  she's damned.  But if she shall bear a maid child,  she shall be unclean two weeks,  according to the custom of her monthly courses.
 And she shall remain in the blood of her purification sixty- six days.  And it's even worse if she gives birth to a daughter.  You touch her within two weeks,  and you're damned.  She goes to church within two months,
 and she's damned.  The man that hath an issue of seed,  shall be unclean.  Issue of seed shall be unclean.  These legal uncleannesses were instituted in order to give the people a horror of carnal impurities.  And then shall he be judged subject to this evil,
 when a filthy humour,  at every moment,  cleaveth to his flesh,  and gathereth there.  Every bed on which he sleepeth,  shall be unclean,
 and every place on which he sitteth.  If any man touch his bed,  he shall wash his clothes and being washed with water,  he shall be unclean until the evening.  If a man sit where that man hath sitten,  he also shall wash his clothes:
 and being washed with water,  shall be unclean until the evening.  He that toucheth his flesh,  shall wash his clothes:  and being himself washed with water shall be unclean until the evening.  If such a man cast his spittle upon him that is clean,
 he shall wash his clothes:  and being washed with water,  he shall be unclean until the evening.  The saddle on which he hath sitten shall be unclean.  And whatsoever has been under him that hath the issue of seed,  shall be unclean until the evening.
 He that carrieth any of these things,  shall wash his clothes:  and being washed with water,  he shall be unclean until the evening.  Every person whom such a one shall touch,  not having washed his hands before,
 shall wash his clothes:  and being washed with water,  shall be unclean until the evening.  If he touch a vessel of earth,  it shall be broken:  but if a vessel of wood,
 it shall be washed with water.  If he who suffereth this disease be healed,  he shall number seven days after his cleansing:  and having washed his clothes,  and all his body in living water,  he shall be clean.
 -  Leviticus 15: 2- 13 So if you should have an orgasm and your sperm doesn't end up in a vagina somewhere,  you've got a helluva lot of washing to do.  And you'd better remember to do the same thing seven days later,
 or else you're damned.  Kinda makes jacking off a lot less fun,  huh?  The man from whom the seed of copulation goeth out,  shall wash all his body with water:  and he shall be unclean until the evening.
 The garment or skin that he weareth,  he shall wash with water:  and it shall be unclean until the evening.  The woman,  with whom he copulateth,  shall be washed with water:
 and shall be unclean until the evening.  -  Leviticus 15: 16- 18 And you'd better make sure that you're in deep when you orgasm,  otherwise you and your partner have a lot of washing to do.
 The woman,  who at the return of the month,  hath her issue of blood,  shall be separated seven days.  Every one that toucheth her,  shall be unclean until the evening.
 And every thing that she sleepeth on,  or that she sitteth on in the days of her separation,  shall be defiled.  He that toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes:  and being himself washed with water,  shall be unclean until the evening.
 Whosoever shall touch any vessel on which she sitteth,  shall wash his clothes:  and himself being washed with water,  shall be defiled until the evening.  If a man copulateth with her in the time of her flowers,  he shall be unclean seven days:
 and every bed on which he shall sleep,  shall be defiled.  The woman that hath still issue of blood many days out of her ordinary time,  or that ceaseth not to flow after the monthly courses,  as long as she is subject to this disease,  shall be unclean,
 in the same manner as if she were in her flowers.  Every bed on which she sleepeth,  and every vessel on which she sitteth,  shall be defiled.  Whosoever toucheth them shall wash his clothes:  and himself being washed with water,
 shall be unclean until the evening.  If the blood stop and cease to run,  she shall count seven days of her purification.  -  Leviticus 15: 19-
28 So,  if you don't lock your wife away for seven days after her period,  and burn her bed afterward,  and don't make sure you don't touch it or her while she's on the rag,  you're damned.  Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father,
 or the nakedness of thy mother:  she is thy mother,  thou shalt not uncover her nakedness.  Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father’ s wife:  for it is the nakedness of thy father.
 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy sister by father or by mother:  whether born at home or abroad.  Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy son’ s daughter,  or thy daughter’ s daughter:
 because it is thy own nakedness.  Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father’ s wife’ s daughter,  whom she bore to thy father:  and who is thy sister.
 Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father’ s sister:  because she is the flesh of thy father.  Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy mother’ s sister:  because she is thy mother’
s flesh.  Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father’ s brother:  neither shalt thou approach to his wife,  who is joined to thee by affinity.  Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy daughter in law:
 because she is thy son’ s wife,  neither shalt thou discover her shame.  Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy brother’ s wife:  because it is the nakedness of thy brother.
 -  Leviticus 18: 7- 18 Better make sure that the bathroom's empty before you go in there,  otherwise you might be damned.  Thou shalt not make thy cattle to gender with beasts of any other kind.
 Thou shalt not sow thy field with different seeds.  -  Leviticus 19: 19 Don't follow any sane modern farming practices,  or else you're damned.  Nor shall you cut your hair roundwise:
 nor shave your beard.  -  Leviticus 19: 27 Shave and a haircut,  you're damned.  You shall not make any cuttings in your flesh,
 for the dead:  neither shall you make in yourselves any figures or marks.  -  Leviticus 19: 28 That pierced ear and tattoo you have. uh,
 you're damned.  Go not aside after wizards:  neither ask any thing of soothsayers,  to be defiled by them.  -  Leviticus 19:
31 Read a horoscope in the newspaper,  you're damned.  He that curseth his father,  or mother,  dying let him die.  He hath cursed his father,
 and mother:  let his blood be upon him.  -  Leviticus 20: 9 Hope you've never said anything bad about mumsy and dadsy.  If any man commit adultery with the wife of another,
 and defile his neighbour’ s wife:  let them be put to death,  both the adulterer and the adulteress.  -  Leviticus 20:
10 Get a little on the side,  get killed.  If any man lie with a woman in her flowers,  and uncover her nakedness,  and she open the fountain of her blood:  both shall be destroyed out of the midst of their people.
 -  Leviticus 20: 18 Have sex with a woman who's on the rag,  get killed.  The man that curseth his God,  shall bear his sin:
 And he that blasphemeth the name of the Lord,  dying let him die.  All the multitude shall stone him,  whether he be a native or a stranger.  He that blasphemeth the name of the Lord,  dying let him die.
 -  Leviticus 24: 15- 16 Say " goddamn"  get killed.
 My favourite that I found last night -  deals with women who are 'issuing blood'.  Once a woman has spent the week 'issuing blood' ( in which time,  of course,  any person or object she touches becomes 'unclean')
 the woman shall take two pigeons to the church,  where the priest will offer one as a blood sacrifice and one as a blood sacrifice,  this cleansing the woman.  Next time someone starts Bible quoting,  throw that one at them.
