  I have a case of the "F--- it" syndrome. Lyrics that haven't appealed to me in quite some time are appealing. My birthday is coming up and while I can usually rattle off a list of things I want, this year I had a hard time figuring out what to put on an Amazon wishlist. I feel bad, my mom has been asking me for weeks what she can get me, but at the same time *f--- it*. Its just a birthday. Another year gone by to signal the fact that I have down little to nothing with my life.
I dunno. I care. Yet, I don't. Screw it. And screw them. I would say I am apathetic towards my life but I'm not.
Its not a case of apathy, more like a case of ambivalence. I'm tired of it. I want to run far far away where no one knows me, the problem though is not my surroundings but rather the problem is me. I burnt out on being me. I just don't wanna be me anymore. I would be perfectly content to not exist tomorrow.
I know this isn't a healthy feeling. So I beat myself up for it. Then I beat myself up for beating myself up. Which leads to a desperation of wanting to not be me. So you see, my life is not the problem. I am.
Its difficult to live in the skin of someone you don't like. I try to be perfect and good. The perfect friend, coworker, employee, daughter, pet owner... it just doesn't work. Yet, knowing the issue doesn't seem to fix the issue. Talking about it grants me frustration from friends, rather than understanding. It grants me weird looks, wide berth and pats on the head with the words *That's normal*.
F--- it. I don't want to be normal. I don't want to be me. I don't even like me. Work is good. I have a new project administering the log in ID's for our call consultants.
I am assisting in developing the training for a website our department will use and I am on the Great Place to Work team. They like me. I do well there. The structure, the distraction, the focus. What do they see that I don't? I just don't get it.
So I dunno. Anyone have a brain they want to trade? 
