  I'm really feeling like shit right now. And I don't know why that is. I'm feeling useless and lame and like I do nothing but sit on my arse and talk about the weather. I'm trying not to hold my breath while I wait to hear from urlLink UIUC , all the while my friends complain about how much they're disillusioned with the school and the teaching and the students and the available coursework. What am I getting myself into? Maybe I'm approaching grad school with the wrong frame of mind. Maybe I'm needing it to be something it's not. Maybe I'm needing it now as much to fit in as anything else.
I don't know. The decision is completely out of my hands. I don't know. Maybe it's just the winter blahs. Or blecks. I feel really uncertain, I guess. I'm unduly masochistic when I'm in moods like this, trying to pick fights, provoke people into saying untrue things out of anger or frustration. I blend into the scenery, or just don't come out at all. I go to sleep blue and don't know why - or I lie awake late into the night.
And it's night like this when I wish I had a roommate, or that I lived with my lover - that there were people around - not just around, but in my house - people to keep me busy or distracted or to just curl up with me when I needed it. Instead I'm here. Alone. God, I'm selfish and whiney. 
