  Experiment #1 in not taking the medicine didn't work out so great. Tonight (well, Wednesday night - I'm always unsure whether to refer to it as "tonight" or "last night" in my late night ramblings) we had dinner with friends and over the course of four hours I had two glasses of wine.
By the time we got ready to leave at around 11, I was totally exhausted and mildly intoxicated - so I decided I really didn't need the Ambien to get to sleep. Well, I was right on that count - I was asleep almost immediately. However it's 4:36am and I've been awake at least an hour, with no signs of getting back to sleep, despite my best attempts and intentions. I'll say it right now - insomnia SUCKS. Other than that, things have been getting better. I feel like my moods are more regulated - not as extreme - and I'm not sure how much of that is the medicine and how much is related to getting good sleep and not having to work. I guess I'll find out tomorrow (today?). I'm trying to get serious lots done around the house - about ten boxes unpacked in the last day or two, plus bookshelves assembled, etc.
- so that when I go back to work, I won't have as much to do. N's trying to help - but there's so much that I have to do that sometimes his efforts are futile. urlLink Sarah and all my friends have been really incredible - she and I have been talking at least an hour every day - generally an hour or so in the morning, then a follow up call at night. It has been so wonderful - and I miss her so very much. We really need to get on this whole swapping Dekalb and Champaign thing.
And (fuck propriety) I'm missing urlLink Shawn a lot too. He's had company most of this week, meaning I haven't heard from him, which is strange after a couple of weeks of almost constant contact. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe not, but it is what it is and I can't and wouldn't change it. That sentence was serpentine and defensive, I know. I'm anticipating negative reactions, anticipating chastising, anticipating the worst, I guess. But again, I miss him and I can't change that.
OK kids, I'm going to try to read some of my beloved urlLink David Denby in an attempt to conk out for a bit. Maybe urlLink Harold Bloom would be better for that, but I just can't bring myself to it. I've been waking up at 6-6:30am; all I'm asking for is another hour or two..... 
