  I've come to the conclusion that I'm living an artificial life...I'm not a business-like, incredibly self-disciplined person like I'm trying to be, so why force it?
I mean, come on, I love the X-Games and alternative music...I think that on the inside I'm really one of those crazy idiots who does stuff just because it seems like a cool thing to do, who lives by the seat of their pants, pushing the envelope (to use one of my favorite aeronautical phrases). Of course, this is absolutely the opposite of how I actually live, and I think that one reason that I seem so dead to myself is because every time I pass on an opportunity to follow the path that seems right to me a little part of myself dies, a little bit of that passion which drives the human soul wanes. It seems like I've been forced into living a life based upon rationality and I've never really been able to express the emotional side of myself, but I'm finally realizing that life is so much more than what makes sense. I was thinking about things last night...I'm living the freest part of my life, the time when I should be able to do the most things simply because I think that they're right and good, and all I'm doing is pining for, worrying about, and preparing for when I'm not as free.
How sad is that? So who's to blame for this sad state of affairs? Me. I could whine about why everyone else is to blame, try to rationalize how I've gotten to this point, etc., but it wouldn't get me anywhere; fact of the matter is that I simply have to come to the point where I couldn't care less what other people think and just go with what I think is right. Of course, that also means getting in touch with that part of myself that determines what I think is right ("Conscience?
Are you my conscience? " sorry...a Finding Nemo moment :P). And it also means I have to come to grips with thinking / believing something WITHOUT having a predetermined and fixed argument for why I think it's right... Maybe this is why I have such a hard time with faith and trust - on the one hand I'm so rational (both because of upbringing and personal choice) and on the other I'm incredibly postmodern (i.e. I question everything). Of course, faith and trust are things difficult to rationalize; both entail a certain lack of control, a venturing into the unknown (and thus, an inability to fully rationalize the outcome).
Heck, a lot of the time faith looks like utter foolishness...but hey, that means it should be easier for me since I want to live like a "fool" now anyway, wouldn't you say? 
