  do not go gently into that good night so my mother is in the hospital with pneumonia. while it could be something worse, i am really scared and helpless-feeling and the urlLink whatif monster is back and thriving. i talked to her tonight & she said that the doctors kept pushing back her release date, and because of the medication she's on she tends to not speak as clearly as she usually does, so i don't know what any of it means . (she's not completely disoriented; it's just that she tends to forget what she was saying quite a bit, something i remember her doing when i was younger.
) she also said that diabetic jello is the most disgusting thing ever created. heh. so i have been thinking about death a little today. my mom smoked for thirty years on top of having heavy asthma. after she finally quit she was so sick that she only retains about a third of her lung capacity. and as a result she is not going to bounce back from something like pneumonia as easily as other people. i knew that she was probably not going to live to be very old, but i didn't ever want to actually be confronted with her getting sick. i don't think this is serious enough to have a reason to be scared that she's going to DIE, but i am. call it fate, call it unresolved issues about whether there's a god or not, call it my melodramatic tendencies, and you'd probably be right about all of them.
it may seem like it's just one thing after another with me. yo, how do you think it feels ? just when i have consciously decided that i am going to Be Okay, this comes along. part of me doesn't want to dwell and another part of me wants to go back home and tell her that i love her and i'm sorry for the years that we hated each other and i need more time, you can't go yet, you need to understand that i need you.
fucking hell. ...i don't think that i have anything else to say. and for the love of god, please DON'T SMOKE. ...i can't believe i just wrote that. i am amazed. that is all. soundtrack: rem, "half a world away. " (end.
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