  AH! WHY! WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF!! Sometimes I seriously make myself sick with the way I feel. I went to Jerry's to show him the recent pictures of Joshua because you know he wants to see them as well as Brenda and all that.
So OK, I knew he was sick and wasn't gonna give me a big ol' hug and kiss like he usually does but damn I walked in his room and didn't even get a fucking HI!! That hurt a little bit. I mean he could have been at least poliet and said HI! I say hi to people even when I don't feel good. Although he gave me a small hug and smiled at me. So I gave him the pictures and tried that stupid small talk but that didn't work.
It's just like he's only nice to me when he wants to fuck and UGH. I mean that's just how it feels. It makes me feel like a cheap whore and it makes me want to cry. Seriously. I hate that. I hate all these damn feelings and I hate having to feel them. I mean I'm not used to them all because I always got drugged up so that I couldn't feel. I don't want to feel but I can't do pills anymore because Hayley would kick my ass.
But I want to. I just wanna be in a stoned stupor. I don't want to deal with them. I don't want to have to deal with the fact that Mother's day is coming up and I have nothing to show for it. God that makes me feel like shit. I can't take it! I want to just give up. I don't feel like faking anymore. But I don't want to be real either. I don't want to be anything. I'm tired of Jerry acting the way he does.
He needs to get his shit straight. I'm tired of the feeling of hopelessness. Hayley keeps asking me what I want. What would make me feel better. Wanna know? Happiness. Pure true happiness. That's it. And to be satisfied with the person that I am. That's not much to ask for right?? Mood: Hurt Song: Left out ~ Shinedown 
