  okay, so now i am about to freak out. i woke up at like 3am the other day... i guess it was the day before halloween and i wrote a story... i emailed it to my mom and her boyfriend... why am i freaking, you ask? her boyfriend complimented my story! what the hell? is he planning some secret mission and trying to sugar me up beforehand? hmmmm... my poor little boop-bop is feeling horrible... he woke up at least ten times last night (he usually wakes up once at 2:30am then again at 6:30) the poor little guy has an ear-ache, and it's driving us both crazy...
Here's the story i was tlaking about: Dear Mr Wormwood Dear Mr.Wormwood, This is a letter to inform you that your complaints have been heard and I WILL endeavor to keep little Jimmy from creaking so in the hallways at night, but for goodness sakes, please remove the garlic from your doorways. It does nothing but agitate my sinuses and won't help your cause at all. Sincerely, Mr. R. Mortus Dear Mr. Wormwood: I am sorry that I have been unable to keep my promise. You must understand that Jimmy is only a child and apt to find mischief. Toothpaste DOES wash from walls. Try vinegar diluted with a bit of water, and peanut butter should help remove the gum from your Suzy's hair. (Really, don't you think she's a little old to keep wadded chewing gum on her bedstead? ) The lamp falling from the nightstand was my fault and I do send out a heartfelt apology, but you must understand how your screaming through the night at the slightest noise effects my nerves. I am certain that I am not ALL to blame. Whether we like it or not we are neighbors. Let's get along for the children's' sake at least!
Sincerely, Mr. R. Mortus Dear Mr. Wormwood: What is all this nonsense? You've got my good suit damp, and I haven't any other! Little Jimmy's hair was quite wet, and he's coming down with a cold. Don't complain to me when he sneezes in your halls. Holy water! Really! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Sincerely Mr. R. Mortus Dear Mr. Wormwood: I'm sorry to seem so amused after the work you went to with Mrs. Wormwood to "rouse the souls of the dead. " All that chanting left your throat scratchy, I imagine. I HOPE you didn't fall for the show that old quack put on last night. I admit it was rather amusing to watch her roll her eyes and moan. But I promise you I was not the victim of murder, nor was I the captain of a ship. I am prone toward seasickness and never learned to swim, so I stay far from any body of water. As for her "second sight"; I took the trouble to say hello to her as she headed to her car (counting the bills you paid her) and the "second" she took "sight" of me, she ran screaming to her car, dropping the bills behind her. I'm sorry, but puns are a specialty of mine and I can't help putting them to use once in a while.
I placed the bills under the large rock in your front yard. Sincerely, Mr. R. Mortus. Dear Mr. Wormwood: I apologize again. (it seems that is all I do lately). I was only trimming my mustache, and didn't realize Mrs. Wormwood was in the bath as she had the curtain drawn. I am sure she has nothing to be ashamed of. (You are a lucky man, Mr. Wormwood! ) Tell her to leave a scarf tied to the door if the bathroom is occupied.
Doors being closed mean nothing to me, you know. Sincerely, Mr. R. Mortus Dear Mr. Wormwood: Of course my last correspondence wasn't written in blood! How gruesome! I simply couldn't lay hold of a pen and paper and borrowed a lipstick. I chose the refrigerator for it's slick surface and easy cleaning. I wouldn't dream of ruining your wallpaper! As for this hideous screaming that your family is so fond of, it is growing rather tiresome and excites my migraine. Sincerely, Mr. R. Mortus Dear Mr. Wormwood: The electric typewriter you left me in the attic was a nice gesture!
I am sure I won't have to dirty your refrigerator door again, anyway! Your suggestion that I take up residency in your attic is a sensible one as it would give us both privacy, but you must understand that the attic is not well suited for daily life. It is dusty and rather riddled with rats and spiders. It creeps me out, typing here in the night, even. I also appreciate your following my advice about the scarves. As for Jimmy's continuing tormenting of your daughter.
I do apologize, but he IS rather fond of Suzy and she pays him little attention unless he causes some mischief or the other. Besides, he has nothing else to occupy him, and Suzy's bangs will grow back in full given due time. Sincerely, Mr. R. Mortus Dear Mr. Wormwood: This will be my last correspondence, as you've decided to allow me to communicate to you face-to-face without screaming and running. I simply wanted to put my thanks in writing. How nice it was that you outfitted the attic for us!
I am sure Suzy remains unbothered as I cannot tear Jimmy from the TV and his video games. As for myself, I do enjoy the satellite television (though with 200 hundred channels, it still seems there is nothing to watch)! I also enjoy the bathroom you installed. (The battery-powered mustache trimmer was a nice touch! ) I am sure that I could have no nicer neighbors than you! I hope you don't mind if I come for a visit now and then. A hundred and fifty year old child is poor companionship for a man well in his thousands! Would you like a game of checkers?
Sincerely, Mr. R. Mortus 
