  a year ago, i was in a situtation that left me feeling pretty different than most everyone else here in happy valley. there were a few special friends that understood me and i felt normal just the same around them, but with others... they didn't judge me or anything... most of them didn't even know, i felt different and like an outsider nonetheless. to cope with this, i took pride in being different. this was especially true the last few months of it. most of my close friends had moved out or temporarily parted ways. this left me feeling really different and quite alone. as i said, to cope with this, i began to glorify myself as being different. nothing outward, mostly just inside.
a few months later and my ordeal was over. i wasn't all that different anymore. the desire to be different still remained. i had to act out, brag about, and exagerate my differences in order to remain the unique snowflake i wanted to be. the problem was, as people got to know and accept me... i had to try harder to be different. i'm more out going and happier now, but i think that's more of a result of finishing what i went through.
for much of it, i don't like what i've become. i noticed this a lot after i moved. i also really noticed this a month or so ago when i first met with sara. she wanted to know who loyd was and i set out to paint a picture of this out-there freak. in some ways i feel like i'm a caricature of this image i set out to be.
a person who i really don't care for. i don't want to be the same as anyone. i don't want to be different. i just want to be me. another great help in making me realize this were some pretty straight-forward words from someone i trust, who loves me, had seen this change, and could say it without hurting me. thanks. 
