  I'm such a fool. There's this guy at school that I find attractive. It's silly, because whenever I see him, I feel like I'm back in high school, like I have a crush (my heart even skips a beat and everything), even though I should be beyond this stage of my life by this point.
The other day I saw him, and he was wearing a suit. Now, I don't know this guy (I've only spoken to him once, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't remember me from then), and I'm not much of a believer in casual sex, but if he had randomly come up to me and propositioned me, I'm quite sure I would have said yes. Well, at least in the deep and abstract recesses of my mind I would have; in reality, and let's face it, something like this would never ever ever happen, it would be a different story. Anyway, this is not my point. I'm posting this now because I'm sitting here in the library (considering this is the second post I've sent from the library, you must all be thinking I'm a pretty big geek by now), and I just saw him again, and I felt like telling someone.
These are things that it is not that easy for me to talk about, but for some reason, posting them anonymously in cyberspace is easier. And hopefully it will make me feel better to get it all out, so that I can get back to work. I've never been much of a relationship person; I've always been independent and tend to push peopel away when they get too close. In the words of Elvis Costello: "I don't want to kiss you. I don't want to touch. I don't want to see you, 'cause I don't miss you that much.
" As an aside, that song is called "No Action" and it's from an album called urlLink This Year's Model , and Elvis Costello is a genius, so you can't go wrong. But I digress. Most of the time I'm being alone, even if I'll be alone for a very long time, because there have always been things that are more important to me. It only bothers me when there are people like this guy around, to remind me that I do feel; it's then that I feel truly lonely.
So, I'm such a fool. That's what I wanted to say. I'm such a fool for letting opportunities like this go by, for not going up to him, or even smiling at him, at least acknowledging that I've seen him, that I know he exists, even if he doesn't have a clue who I am. But I don't, and I just didn't, and I'm quite sure I never will. And then I will have missed any chance.
Until the next guy, when I'll repeat the whole silly psychodrama all over again. And if anyone out there is still reading this by then, then I suppose you'll get to hear about it. But I suppose there's no use thinking about it now. The moment has passed, and there is work to be done. 
