  so heres my hopefully funny essay, hope you enjoy CONFIDENTIAL “How I don’t know what to do/ With my hands when I talk to you/ And you don’t know where to look/ So you look at my hands.” The Weakerthans. And then they were there. And they were pretty. Right around sixth grade it hits you: Girls = fascinating. But the average male has absolutely no idea how to deal with this strange and illogical being. So begins the process of trial and error that lasts a lifetime to figure out the one burning question in every heterosexual male’s mind. How do I get her to go out with me? In the beginning, you only have one chance: that there is some pretty girl who lives by your house and enjoys playing tag in fields.
A search begins in the 10 year olds’ mind. Who fits these strict criteria. Some get lucky and find their first girlfriend, most sit back and pray for the opportunity to make out with little Ann in the bleachers after school. Now, the girl friend living close is a necessity in the dark ages of sixth grade due to the immobility of the sixth grade male.
More than two to three blocks away is much too far to walk or ride your bike in public (this is because the other males are jealous and express this by calling you a girly boy and chanting “Bill and Suzy sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G…). Methods of attraction vary, however most include hitting and making fun of the girl to get noticed followed by displays of physical skills. The alternative to this is known as cable. This is a very rare possession and often cherished by the young girl.
If all goes well, Voila! A girlfriend! The goal is also very unique in this stage of the boys development. The boyfriend doesn’t really know what to do with this girlfriend. Kissing is ok, but conversation is not a high priority to young boys. Thus, relationships last a month, give or take two weeks. It would be nice to say that relationships get more complicated in the males mind as it grows. However, it all boils down to not knowing what to do besides kiss the girl and desperately trying to hold a conversation. Time moves on and not much changes from the hidden affair between a boy and his girlfriend. Enter Highschool.
Suddenly the male has to become a complex sensitive person who practices something called good hygiene to attract members of the fair sex (which by now is something to be commended for, not insulted). So the male begins to visit a strange, ugly, concrete structure called a mall. Inside are fashionable cloths, strange smelly liquids called cologne, and many floors. These malls are not all bad though because they have lots of good food, so the male shops for the latest girl-impressing fashion with many pretzel/soda/pizza breaks in between. It is also a very exciting time due to the ability to drive, which puts no distance requirements on the object of the boys affection as long as its reasonable.
The highschool male also must develop an interesting personality. Often the television or more specifically MTV closely guides this quality. These boys will listen to many different rap artists and put on an air of being too cool for school. Oddly a large portion of the female population in the school are attracted to this, which only fuels more MTV inspired personas. There are many other kinds of personalities developed in highschool of course, and most are more original than that mentioned above.
One of particular note is that of the rogue (mostly because the author includes himself with these devilishly charming people). The rogue is an entirely different breed. He will be as ridiculous as possible whenever possible. The idea is that the girl will notice how charming and fun he is and want to be around him more often. So the rogue employs many means to attract this attention. He will wear extremely tight girl pants to get his moderately attractive at best physique noticed (all the while getting laughter and sparking conversation). The rogue will also shout things out in a classroom setting to impress the female population with his bold wit. The rogue often crosses social barriers to loosen up any females present. He will hug another boy. This is seemingly gay until the true motives are realized, by hugging his friend the rogue now has an excuse to hug any girl he pleases.
He is not being creepy, merely friendly and in a hugging mood. He is also known to engage in the act of streaking. The purpose of this: to show a lack of inhibitions and a willingness to try anything that the girl wants to do. The male goes to many different extremes in order to develop a personality capable of attracting a girl. Suppose the fashion and personality of this boy have succeeded and he now is going out with the girl he always (or at least most recently) wanted. The same problems of kissing and conversation come into play even seven years later than they originally cropped up.
A few males do escape from this relationship pitfall and move in one of two directions. Some males then begin to use the girl as an outlet for sexual energy. This is generally frowned upon by older members of our society, but greatly admired by others with similar ambitions. It should be noted that this form of dating never lasts and never means anything to either person in the relationship. The other, more edifying way is that of falling in love. Very few highschool males are lucky enough to experience this euphoria.
A state of never feeling bad is introduced to his mind and suddenly the Holy Grail of dating, conversation, comes easily between himself and his girlfriend. Love is in fact the real goal of all dating, it just takes the male a while to find the right girl to help him realize this. The author would love to continue this chronology of the male and his actions toward the opposite sex. But unfortunately he has not experienced that and cannot comment with any accuracy on this process. Undoubtedly it is much harder and serious and involves marriage. But for now all he can do follow his roguish ways and continue to love the girl he loves. And someday adapt to the new breed of female in college. 
